Out on the Ocean

I’m making progress.

I’ve settled in. I’m stabilizing myself. I’m putting more effort into writing. I’m meeting new people. Everything is new. Every day is different. The change is taking place all around me…

I am not scared. I had to think long and hard about it. I’m so used to being terrified, and unsure about everything. Understanding nothing. This time I’m not. I’m at peace with the uncertainty. 

Sometimes, I find myself walking down Sunset boulevard, staring up at the buildings and palm trees, and it hits me. I live in L.A. It never gets old. As I sit in traffic, or pass certain clubs, stores, or landmarks, I’m reminded of the fact that I am not leaving. It’s not a vacation. I don’t have a plane ticket home. This is home now.

And here in my home, I have decided to live. This morning I met up with some of my officemates at a place called Toast for Sunday brunch. Afterwards we all headed down to the beach in Santa Monica. It’s the first time I’ve had a whole day off in a few weeks.  We wandered around between shops. Had a drink (just because) Watched a street performer (who told more racially degrading jokes than anything). He wasn’t my cup of tea.

At 7:30 at night on a Sunday evening you would think thatI would start winding down, I’m getting ready to head up to the Griffith Observatory to see a full moon through the telescopes. Even if I have to go alone (I hope I won’t) I’m excited to go. I’m excited for the opportunities. They’re endless here. Life is incredible. Truly.

There’s nothing special about today. It’s not a holiday. It’s just another day of the week. Just part of what life here has become. I love it.

What I’m worried about however, and I think it’s a good fear to have… I have become so vocal, and am living so out loud, that I don’t spend as much time working on the written part of me. Sometimes I think I need to record my life, just so I can play it back later.

I wouldn’t change a thing. I really wouldn’t. I know I need to be writing more, but I can’t help but think that for a while I’ve missed so much, because I have worried more about the words than living the story. The blog isn’t going anywhere. Maybe more in depth. A few changes are taking place in my life right now that I don’t want to talk about yet, for fear of jinxing them… But I’m excited. I love waking up. I love the little moments. Each one is significant. Each one propels me forward.

My heart is expanding. I’m learning compassion, and confidence. Dedication and creativity. I’m feeling things that I have never felt before, because my soul is a vessel. I’ve turned it out across the waves.

Will you let your ship sail? Will you venture off into the dark unknown, come hell or high water? If so, I’ll meet you on the dock. We will take this journey together.

Also I would like to thank everyone. My blog has broken 10,000 views as of today. Pretty cool if you ask me. See you soon. I doubt I can wait until Sunday. 

- Tennessee 

Tumble Dry

I slam the door, insert 14 quarters, and pick up my basket.

Doing my laundry is single handedly the constant reminder that I am not at “home”.  I  put my laundry basket into the back seat of my car, and pull out my lap top. Sitting outside the Laundromat, I wait for this weeks wardrobe to wash, as I type up the latest post on The GraduatesGuide, or read through my training materials for my internship. I don’t like to do one thing for too long, so sometimes I do both.

I’m settling in. I have a routine. I have a life. I am living each day with no thought to whether or not I’m doing “the right thing.”I know that I am. My internal instincts tell me that everything is exactly as it should be.

I’ve dealt with this past weeks nervous break down about being single, and what I’ve realized is that relationships, just like life, will happen when they happen. If they don’t. they weren’t meant to.

I’m a little annoyed with myself really. Why would I worry about my relationship status? Why would I push myself into commiting to someone that A: doesn’t want to be with me right now, or B: I don’t want to be with, or C: All of the above.

It makes no sense.

I have no free time. During the drive to and from my jobs, I call my mother. I have something to do every night when I get off work. I feel overwhelmed and scatterbrained 95% of the time… And I love it. I don’t want to add anything to this pressure unnecessarily, but I’ve got a lot on my plate that I enjoy. That’s where my focus is.

My pillow and I have gotten really close. I find it nice having something to depend on. Everyday when I come home, there she is waiting. Convenient right? That’s more than enough for right now.

I’ve found that the people I get along with the best are usually one or two generations older than me. I was raised differently than my generation, and therefore I possess a lot of habits and desires that most people my age don’t. I look at my mother, the woman who in her twenty’s could make the football team swoon, and I see where she gave up. Somewhere during her mid-twenties, she let her dreams go, and found herself back-tracking in her early thirties.

I watch my father, who spent twenty years chasing smoke, and I ask myself “do you want to be that way?”

The answer is no.

I don’t have to be the best. I  don’t have to be rich. I don’t have to be famous. I don’t have to be in a relationship. What I have to be is myself. What I want to be is happy. Every decision that I make in my life will guide me in both of those directions. Those two things are synonymous.

We choose our mentality.

We choose how we want to act. We choose how we want to respond, and portray ourselves. We choose the affect we want to have on the world around us. We choose the affect that people have on us.

I love people. My favorites are those who can create something out of nothing, whether it be an idea, a song, a film, a picture, a movement, a portrait or peace. I love creative people. I also love people who love themselves. Loving yourself is hard. It’s even more difficult to do when our society belts out around us that we’re inadequate.

Let me ask you this though, “Who are they? What do they know?”

These people, did they write the book of “Who and what to be: Do not stray and do not falter.”? No. There is no such thing. And if there was, do you really think it would say “5’4, great hair, rock hard abs, and perfect.”

Now if that is a spot-on description of you, stop reading my blog. Clearly you don’t need to hear a word that I’m saying. If you don’t fit this description, then welcome to the club. Very few do.

I’m southern. I’ve embraced it. The good and the bad.

I have an accent. I like to get my hands dirty. I feel better after long hard physical labor, than I do after 8 hours shuffling papers on a desk. I like sunshine. Especially when it leaves hints of a farmers tan. I say “Y’all, Sir, Ma’am, and Darlin.” I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, and I know what a 12 gauge is. (Hint: It’s not an ear ring.)

I’m not redneck. I know that the fork goes on the left, and the spoon and knife on the right. Sometimes I like to feel pretty in dresses. I speak eloquently when being addressed in a formal situation. I have a firm handshake, thanks to my father, and courage that I learned from my mother.

Neither of them were really certain how to raise a lesbian, so they raised me a little like a son. I can lift fifty pound bails of hay by grass string above my head, and toss them ten feet across a barbed wire fence in one swift motion. I was also taught to open a door for a woman, elders (and sometimes even a man, unless they take they initiative first.) It’s polite. I was taught never to hit a woman, and to treat her like I would my mother or sister. This has never been an issue. I did have to refrain once from hitting a guy in a bar who poured a beer down my back because I was gay.

I am confident in myself and proud of where I’ve come from. I was told recently by a colleague that “She will always require her assistants havesouthern accents.”

See Johnny Cash? I’m making a good impression for us after all.

I’m not just a southerner. I’m not just a lesbian. I’m an artist. A writer. A photographer. A poet. A daughter. A friend.

I’m a romantic. A go-getter. A dreamer. A do-er.

I’m an influence. A sister. A mentor. A mentee. An assistant. A jokester.

I’m a lover. A fighter (in the mental sense).

I am me. Nothing less. Nothing more. 

Who are you?

Remember me,

Tennessee

P.s. When I went to check the dryer, my clothes were done. The dryer still had another 36 minutes on it, and the latino man next to me had just begun placing his clothes into another dryer. He was standing next to his wife. They had more than a few kids running around them. With four or five loads next to him, I decided to offer him my dryer. He said thank you, and his wife followed him with a "God Bless."

Now even if you're not "religious", you can't tell me that reaction, that moment in life wouldn't make you feel good. When you make others happy, you begn to feel happy as well. It's just food for thought. 

Enjoy life. 

Single, But Not Alone.. Ever.

I really like who I am as a person. I also really believe that the right one will come along eventually.  Someone who truly deserves me. Someone that I in turn, truly deserve.

I think that I'm fairly attractive. I believe that I'm smart "enough", and can at times be funny. I'm driven, I never settle, and I'm a hopeless romantic. When I do date someone, I put everything I've got into making it work.

Why is it then, that I have the worst luck of anyone I've ever met when it comes to dating, and seem to be chronically single.

Usually I'm fine with being single. I like having the freedom to go where I want, and do as I please. It makes life easier to not worry about whether or not I am "paying enough attention" to someone who may or may not stick around. I don't like answering to anyone when they're being petty or jealous, so in many ways being single makes perfect sense. Usually, I would embrace that. Usually…

However on nights like tonight, when I get home at 10:30 and have had a long day I can't help but think about it. About what it would be like to have someone to cuddle up next to. Honestly that's what I miss the most.

Cuddling. Especially this time of the year. It's the perfect time for relationships. Fall comes, and people nestle into relationships. They hibernate together for the winter, and fall into that steady comfort. Usually one or both parties gain a few careless pounds stemming from Haloween's candy, and the fine dinings of Holidays. They spend time with each others families and reminisce over the sweet moments they've shared, whether they have had two months worth, two years, or twenty.

I miss holding hands with a girl. Gazing into her eyes, and feeling certain that she loves me. I miss finding a few hours that are unoccupied, and going on a walk, or watching a movie because we can.

I received an awkwardly uncomfortable message from my ex and her current girlfriend a few months ago. Basically the jist of it was they wanted me to be their friend. Apparently my ex's current girlfriends ex (aren't we lesbians confusing?) has just recently begun to hang out with them, so they felt that I should be their friend as well.

Not a chance. I can honestly say I want nothing to do with her, but it did remind me that it was the last time that I spent months on end falling for someone, with every confidence that she was falling back. And now she's doing the same thing with someone else.

Dear heavens, that was three years ago.

Time sneaks up on me.

I've dated since then. I've even been close to thinking it could be substantial… Then they leave. I'm not sure why, but my dating history is incredibly unfortunate. I swear I'm never getting close, and put up this untouchable guard… Then I fall for a pair of pretty eyes and it all falls down. Before I know it, she's lassoed my heart, and is running off into the sunset with the thought of another.

I think that's why now I've developed a disconnect. I love everyone, but can no longer remember being in love. There is an empty space in my chest where my heart used to be.

Which is why I said usually I'm fine being alone.

But not tonight.

Tonight I want to cry. Tonight I want to be held. Tonight I want to be honest. Tonight I want to laugh. Tonight I want to hold hands. Tonight I want to get mad because her feet are cold. Tonight I want to compain that she's making me sweat, but pull her closer anyway. Tonight I want someone to listen.

Tonight I want her.

Tonight I don't want to be single, but I am. And when I wake up tomorrow I will be. After this last glass of wine settles, I will remember all the benefits of not having a relationship, and remind myself why I should stay the way I am. That's tomorrow. That's not tonight.

Until then, I'll wrap my spare pillow under the blankets and lay my arm across. I will cuddle up to it's softness and reassure myself that it's not me. I am fne. I am just waiting for someone who can be fine with me. I know I've always got my back.

While I'm on the subeject of girlfriends, I'll revisit another subject.

PARENTS.

Here is the thing. I have a friend. My friend has parents who can't see her full potential.

This girl is GORGEOUS. She has dimples that only God could give a person. She is the light of my life. Intelligent. Wonderful, and all of those other incredible things.

We are NOT dating, not even close, but the reason this post came about is because her parents don't acccept her. We hear this story all the time. Parents disown their children (I don't see how.) My father disowned me. I fought for five years to get him to speak to me again. Tonight, when I read my mother a letter that my friend wrote, my mom broke into tears and said "Tell her to call me. Tell her i'm interested. Her day to day. Her accomplishments and failures. I care."

My mother is a saint.

To the parents out there who think that their child is less worthy because they are gay. THEY ARE STILL AS SMART. THEY ARE STILL AS BEAUTIFUL. AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO LOVE THEM ANY LESS. They are that same baby that you ruffled and frilled at age 2, or tuxed up with a bow tie. And by chance, if they are adopted………


Here is what I have to say. They were your choice. You made it, regardless of what they become whether it be gay, straight or the President. (I feel as if the President and Gay will one day be synonymous.)

They are still incredible. Please crawl out of your small minded box and move forward with the forward thinking section of the nation.

She loves you. He loves you. And you should love them.

Please.

Be a parent.

Strangely enough, when I googled the role of "A Parent" this is what came up. By the way, it was posted by a man of the military.

To make a commitment for the rest of your life to your child(ren). To protect them for as long as they need it. Be there for them through good and bad"
If you make that commitment… to be a parent... Follow through. Until then, you can call my mother. she would be happy to talk to you. I'm saying it because she asked me to. My mother says you can call her "Mama Tennessee" or "Mama June", or "Mama Bear"… It's your choice. She has asked me to tell you that if you are in this situation, or need a parent to talk to, call her. She will stand in.

Remember Me,

I'm Tennessee

Motivate Equality

I'm lying in my bed. 

Out my window I can see my beautiful palm tree. I'm sure God planted it there just for me. I see the sun beating down through the glass, and I can feel the wind breezing through the opening. 

I'm not working today. I've been working everyday lately, and I was beginning to wear myself down. I'm juggling at least half a dozen projects, and I feel like someone approaches me with a new great idea, every other day. They're all good, but I hve to remind myself that I can only do so much. I have to be selective with what i'm working on if I want to contribute my full potential. 

When I met Sajdah and Chanel last October, I really liked the message that they were sharing. Some of you might know them as the couple from The Real L Word (Season 2). Sajdah decided to hold a charity basketball game, with Chanel's help. My friends Kacy and Cori were going to be in it, so they asked me to play. 

I was only around Sajdah for an hour or so. We might have shared a maximum of five minutes conversation, but life is a funny thing, and  it plays out the way it wants to. 

Over the next year, somehow Sajdah and I became friends. Most of it was online. When I went home last winter, Tennessee was discussing the "Don't Say Gay" bill. My mother and I drove two hours to Nashville to protest. When we arrived, Sajdah and I were communicating back and forth via phone and she asked me to send her some footage for her non-profit. It's called Motivate Equality. 

Two words. 

Motivate.

1. Provide (someone) with a motive for doing something.
2. Stimulate (someone's) interest in or enthusiasm for doing something

Equality.

1. The state of being equal, esp. in status, rights, and opportunities.
2. The condition of being equal in number or amount.

The tagline for her company is "Motivate ESince I've known Sajdah, I've realized one thing. She has a vision. She has the ability to inspire, and that is what drives her. She is a lot like me in the sense that I feel much more accomplished when I'm helping others than when I'm helping myself. 

Before I moved back to Los Angeles, Saj and I spoke briefly about M.E, and why it was her passion. She said something to me last night that cleared it all up. In a skit, or post, or event… I don't remember which one… She said someone asked "Mother Teresa" why she was never at an anti-war rally. Her response was "because I'm pro-peace. If we are all pro-peace, there won't be any wars to rally against."

My mind was blown. That's it. We shouldn't have to fight hate. We shouldn't have to protest stupid laws, or bullying. We shouldn't be standing on opposite sides of a picket line, because we should all realize that we're equal. I'm not different from Sajdah. You're not different from me. Ghandi, Obama, Oprah, Romney, Hitler…. Whether you like or dislike them, the truth is they're all human. (Well I question that statement about Hitler. I'm still convinced he was possessed.) What I'm getting at is we're all human. Instead of dividing that into groups of people supporting different facets of life, who don't we all support the equality within life? If we all approach life in this manner,  and teach others that i'm not "significant because I'm a lesbian" or "more proud to be black" or "better because I'm Christian" then we will begin to see that the ground we all walk on is the same for everyone. The air that we breath is all the same. Don't get me wrong. I'm proud to be a lesbian. I've struggled too much not to embrace it. But that's what I am. It's not who I am. 

I am kind hearted and old-souled. I am an advocate for children's rights. I am my father's last born. I am my mother's pride. I am an acoustic music enthusiast. I love adventure. I live as if every moment is being recorded onto a page. I like to give hugs. My favorite thing is making people smile. I am a little bit outside of the box. The box that I don't believe ought to exist. In fact. As often as I can, I jump out of that box and pack up other peoples problems, just so I can give them a break with that weight off their shoulders. 

I just happen to be a lesbian. 

Saj and Chanel joined me two nights ago in Hollywood. We went Salsa dancing. We were joined by 7 or 8 people from my internship. A majority of the people in the club were hispanic or latino. I was clearly not in my element, but I danced around the room high fiving people, and explaining that I couldn't dance to save my life. I had at least 6 people attempt to show me how, guys and girls. What I realized as I left the club that night, is I can stand anywhere. Being unique is wonderful, but were all still the same. Everyone knows what it's like to be judged. Everyone knows the pain of loss and rejection. We are all alike in that way as well. Why not do what we can within our power to strip that away from life, and help our children not make the mistakes of previous generations? 

I love each and every one of you. You inspire me everyday. 

Please email me, tweet me, instagram me. I love hearing from you!

Remember M.E.

 I'm Tennessee.

Who is Flipping Miami?

The last time I can remember thinking “she’s perfect” about a woman, was when I was four years old, and watching “The Little Mermaid”. She had long gorgeous hair, a disregard for the norm, and a dream. Unfortunately, she was a cartoon. For nineteen years I have waited to find the real life version of Ariel. Yesterday, I found a woman who is even better. 

Her name is Carolina Balsamo, and she is the strikingly attractive contractor for the new reality show “Flipping Miami”. So attractive in fact, they’re calling her “Sofia Vergara with a tool belt.” I don’t know your opinion, but Sofia was already pretty enticing to me. When I found that there was a stronger version of her in reality tv, with power tools, I began counting down the days until the show’s debut.

On October 20^th, A&E will premiere “Flipping Miami”. This show features Caro, and her husband/ business partner Chris, as they face the heat, natural disasters, and strange personalities of Miami, while trying to make a profit buying and renovating homes.

Reality television has yet to have a strong, female, LATIN lead. That’s right. This Colombian native speaks Spanish, and grew up romping in the great outdoors of South America. Did I mention she is a huge WNBA Fan? Now do you understand why I love this woman?

I got a chance to interview Caro, and I have to admit, I like her even more now. Today on The Graduates Guide I’ll share with you what drives the woman who drives the nails.

Tennessee:  You’re a New York Liberty fan? Why did you relocate from New York to Miami?

Caro: I love seeing those girls in action; I have such a tremendous respect for female athletes. I used to sit court side watching Janel McCarville and Mitchell playing! Good times. We moved to Miami because my husband and I had saved some money to invest. We decided to buy one house as an investment in South Florida since the housing market was at its lows. Throughout the process of buying, renovating and selling (or renting) we realized that the returns in this business are unreal. We decided to pool as much money as possible to start a new career flipping homes. In this market cash is king.

TN:  Have you always wanted to renovate homes?

Caro:  Not really. I went to school for nutrition and food science. I've been working as a nutritionist since I graduated. I have experience working with obese & malnourished children, HIV positive people, families and elderly people. My last job in NYC I worked in nutrition prevention and education in a campaign in the Bronx focused on Latino and Black populations. 

TN:  Wow. You have a pretty impressive background there. How did you realize that you were also passionate about renovation?

Caro:  I grew up in a very hands-on environment since there are no boys in my family. My father raised me as 'his' boy, always in the woods, fishing, hunting, and very handy! When Chris and I started renovating homes, the Tom-boy inside of me came out. It's not been a difficult task to accomplish. I love being active and since I do a lot of lifting, smashing, and assembling, this profession keeps me in good shape! It’s way better than going to the gym. :)

TN:  You could always have ran alongside the Liberty Team! If you could pick any other career what would it be?

Caro:  Nutrition! Once I fully reach financial stability, my calling in life is to help people, work on nutrition education and behavior campaigns and work with other countries on education regarding food availability. I'd love to help underprivileged children get good food and a healthy water supply. For example; I got married in Zambia, Africa and the drinkable water situation is still a big issue there. I can see myself working/volunteering in a small village helping others accomplishing a healthy life!

TN:  That is really incredible. You have such a big heart. What is it like to be the only woman in a male dominated world?

Caro:  It feels like I'm the bad cop all the time. I have to show my strongest face at all times, otherwise men (specially Latino) will run me over. On the other hand, my husband plays the good cop roll. We are a good team!

TN:  Is your husband intimidated by your dominance, or is he supportive?

Caro:  He is definitely supportive by my dominance on others but 100% intimidated by dominance towards him. Haha!

TN:  Do you run into a lot of stereotypes since you work in such a male dominated field?

Caro:  YES! All the time. Recently when we were shooting a scene at Home Depot while buying materials, a guy approached me to ask me if I was an actor, after I told him I'm a contractor he kept saying 'no way, you are an actor'. It was so frustrating. The same happens with my friends in NYC; they can't believe what I do since in NY I dress to impress and in Florida I dress for work! The only place I take advantage of the 'stereotype' is at Lowe’s or Home Depot. Every time I can't find something, I yell for help and all the guys come right away, ha!

TN:  Well, the word actor is in the word contractor. At least he was close! I noticed you've taken up tweeting recently. How is that going? 

Caro:  It took some getting used to but I'm having a blast. We're doing a new house right now so I'm sending lots of updates and tweeting LOTS of pictures. My only problem is 140 characters isn't enough! I have so much more to say.

TN:   I think it's really important that we get to communicate with strong female rolemodels such as yourself. What advice would you give to other women who are in your position, or want to follow their dreams into male dominated industries? 

Caro:  It's all about self-confidence and determination! Don't let anybody intimidate you and always follow your goals. If you want to make money, forget about what people would say or think. Just do it and get dirty if you have to. I promise, it will be rewarding.

TN: As a woman, what do you think is the most important thing to remember?

Caro:  Be independent! Whatever you do, plan it. It's really nice to have someone else's support but never count on it. Looking back in the past and seeing all you have built and accomplished by yourself is a priceless feeling.

TN:  What is the best advice you can give to women who are younger than you?

Caro:  What ever you do, always perform 110%! No matter if it's a small or big job, paid or volunteering, always give your best! Once I asked one of my employees what was his performance was like while working and he told me he puts 80% of his effort in since he is an employee, but if he had his own company, he would perform 120%. I never hired him again. When you do things right, 1,000 doors will open for you!

Caro openly admits that although she likes being independent, she is very grateful for the support of her husband Chris. You can watch both of them on A&E this Saturday, October 20^th. Don't forget to tweet with Caro and Chris at @CaroFlipMiami and @ChrisFlipMiami during the show. You can also check them out on Facebook. 

www.facebook.com/flippingmiami

Grab a bag of popcorn, throw on a pair of Timberland’s, and get ready for the hottest new reality show on TV.

P.S, don’t forget your sunscreen, Sunshine! We're going to Miami!

Melancholy

Listen closely.

The sound of rain falls gently on the windowpanes.

This window pains me.

I see you shamefully glancing through the reflection.

Still glancing through the melancholy memories.

To see is to believe and to believe is to conquer.

So much more than meets the eye.

I try to compromise your demise, but you fight harder than before.

I’m on the floor, but I pick myself up.

It’s enough to make me thank you for the tragedy you’ve embraced me with.

Without you I wouldn’t know there’s room to grow, there’s a chance for me to be.

I can see the difference that it makes to take your life and run with it.

You compel me to try. I justify all the lies.

When really it’s a pleasing rendition of the truth that I use in my own departure.

So smart, you’re the girl who knew what to say in the ways that she laid it all down before me.

My heart beats. It’s unique to the sound of yours.

I’m so sure.

That I love you.

Success

My mother is my best friend. She is my biggest influence. My mother is the reason that I feel it is okay to cry. She is the reason I refuse to give up on anything. My mother taught me how to love. She taught me how to fight. I have her laugh. I have her cheekbones. I have her heart.

My mother is the reason I followed my dreams back out here to Los Angeles. 

She grew up in Mississippi. When my mother was six weeks old, my grandmother was diagnosed with kidney cancer. It spread into her female organs, and become uncontrollable. Before she died, she underwent two surgeries. She knew going into them that they wouldn’t save her. They were entirely created to research the condition. My grandmother offered herself as an experiment to science. My grandfather didn’t want her to undergo the surgeries. He knew that she was in pain, and begged her not to do them. Her response was “Wilford. We know now that I’m going to die. This could save the life of one of our children one day.”

At eighteen months, my mother lost her mom. I think when I was younger, I took this for granted. I knew my mom grew up without a mother, but I didn’t think about how it might have affected her. I often wonder now if I would be who I am had my mother not been there. The answer is no.

My grandfather didn’t really know how to raise a young girl, and he worked full time to support the family. He also drove back and forth from Memphis to stay with my grandmother in the hospital so he wasn’t home a lot. My mother had two older brothers, both in high school, but they couldn’t raise a baby. She went to live with her grandmother and aunt at the beginning of her mother’s diagnosis.

They were poor. My mother used to tell me stories of waking up in the dead of winter, a blizzard falling outside. They had no heat, so she slept in a bed between her aunt and grandmother to keep warm. There were five or six blankets on the bed and most were pulled up to her chin. She would wake in the mornings with a blanket of snow on top of her. The wind had blown it through the cracks in the hardwood floor.

She would wiggle her body side to side until she broke free from the heavy layer, and then would sprint into the living room next to the fire. If she paused for a second, she could see the chickens huddled into a clan beneath the house. Everyone was trying to escape the gnarly fingers of winter’s grasp.

Before civil rights ever existed, my mother was out in the fields picking cotton too. As early as 4 years old, she would work from 6 A.M until noon, shoving handful after handful of cotton into a burlap sack. Around that time my grandfather remarried. After lunch time her step mother would let her lie down on the fifty pound sack of cotton she drug down the row behind her, and there my mother would take her mid-day nap.

Maybe you’ve noticed by now that I come from a long line of incredibly strong female influences.

My mother wore flour sacks to school. During that time, companies would print them with flower designs on them so that people could multi-purpose them. Her grandmother would make her clothes for her with that material. Kids were cruel even then. She began saving up her money in middle school so she could buy her own school clothes.

I’m an old soul. I was raised the way that my mother was raised. I was raised very simply. You have manners. You are polite. You are friendly. You work hard. You love harder.

I think that so many people in our generation are missing that… I feel like everyone in every generation is missing that. It’s funny because I have the heart of a small town girl, and I’m implanted into this unrealistic world of celebrities, power and artistry. I live a beautiful life, but I want to find a way to share that into the lives of others. I want our country to live up to the name it was given. The UNITED states of America. Let’s come together. Let’s be the land of opportunity. Let’s be the home of the brave. Let’s hold ourselves accountable for the things that we do and improve ourselves.

Do you appreciate who you are? Do you care where you came from?

You should.

You are beautiful. You are strong. You are important. Why not show that? Be who you want to be. Do what you want to do. All I ask, is that when you do that, you leave a positive message. Not for me, but for yourself.

I plan to have a very successful life. I don’t even mean that I will be rich, and wealthy… I mean that when I reflect back on my life years from now, I will be able to say “I did it, and I loved it.”

I will have fond memories, and have done everything I ever wanted. I will be successful. The only thing we have to do is humans is live… Why not have a life worth living? I don’t mean you all have to live my dreams, but create your own. What is important to you? What do you want to try? What would you like to change?

I’m feeling so inspired today. This morning I met Lee Merriweather (the original catwoman), Lou Gossett Jr. (Roots) and John Amos (Die Hard 2)..  I couldn’t believe how much talent I was surrounded by. Yesterday I met Sam Tremmel (True Blood) and Drake Bell (Drake and Josh). I’m living a fantasy, only it’s real. It’s my life. I don’t want to waste it. I want to make a difference. I want my mother to know that the days she spent picking cotton weren’t in vain.

My real father (we went five years without talking) said to me tonight, “You’re doing something with your life, and I want you to know that I’m proud of you.”

This is the same man who walked out on my mother while she was in labor.

He’s human. It took him time to grow, and time to learn. He had to figure out for himself what was important, and after 23 years, he has finally decided that I am. I don’t resent him for leaving. I don’t resent him for disowning me five years ago. I appreciate him for growing up and being man enough now to tell me that he is proud and he loves me.

And I love him.

I would like to have a relationship with my father. That to me is success. My mother is successful. She raised 35+ kids. She loved with all her heart. She raised me. She doesn't own a business. She doesn't have a lot of money, but my mother is successful. She has given me what it takes to pursue my dreams. 

We take what we have been given, and we try to improve on it. That is success. It doesn’t have a price tag. It has an effect.

I love you all. Truly. Thank you for being a part of this beautiful journey I call life.

Remember me,

Tennessee