I really like who I am as a person. I also really believe that the right one will come along eventually. Someone who truly deserves me. Someone that I in turn, truly deserve.
I think that I'm fairly attractive. I believe that I'm smart "enough", and can at times be funny. I'm driven, I never settle, and I'm a hopeless romantic. When I do date someone, I put everything I've got into making it work.
Why is it then, that I have the worst luck of anyone I've ever met when it comes to dating, and seem to be chronically single.
Usually I'm fine with being single. I like having the freedom to go where I want, and do as I please. It makes life easier to not worry about whether or not I am "paying enough attention" to someone who may or may not stick around. I don't like answering to anyone when they're being petty or jealous, so in many ways being single makes perfect sense. Usually, I would embrace that. Usually…
However on nights like tonight, when I get home at 10:30 and have had a long day I can't help but think about it. About what it would be like to have someone to cuddle up next to. Honestly that's what I miss the most.
Cuddling. Especially this time of the year. It's the perfect time for relationships. Fall comes, and people nestle into relationships. They hibernate together for the winter, and fall into that steady comfort. Usually one or both parties gain a few careless pounds stemming from Haloween's candy, and the fine dinings of Holidays. They spend time with each others families and reminisce over the sweet moments they've shared, whether they have had two months worth, two years, or twenty.
I miss holding hands with a girl. Gazing into her eyes, and feeling certain that she loves me. I miss finding a few hours that are unoccupied, and going on a walk, or watching a movie because we can.
I received an awkwardly uncomfortable message from my ex and her current girlfriend a few months ago. Basically the jist of it was they wanted me to be their friend. Apparently my ex's current girlfriends ex (aren't we lesbians confusing?) has just recently begun to hang out with them, so they felt that I should be their friend as well.
Not a chance. I can honestly say I want nothing to do with her, but it did remind me that it was the last time that I spent months on end falling for someone, with every confidence that she was falling back. And now she's doing the same thing with someone else.
Dear heavens, that was three years ago.
Time sneaks up on me.
I've dated since then. I've even been close to thinking it could be substantial… Then they leave. I'm not sure why, but my dating history is incredibly unfortunate. I swear I'm never getting close, and put up this untouchable guard… Then I fall for a pair of pretty eyes and it all falls down. Before I know it, she's lassoed my heart, and is running off into the sunset with the thought of another.
I think that's why now I've developed a disconnect. I love everyone, but can no longer remember being in love. There is an empty space in my chest where my heart used to be.
Which is why I said usually I'm fine being alone.
But not tonight.
Tonight I want to cry. Tonight I want to be held. Tonight I want to be honest. Tonight I want to laugh. Tonight I want to hold hands. Tonight I want to get mad because her feet are cold. Tonight I want to compain that she's making me sweat, but pull her closer anyway. Tonight I want someone to listen.
Tonight I want her.
Tonight I don't want to be single, but I am. And when I wake up tomorrow I will be. After this last glass of wine settles, I will remember all the benefits of not having a relationship, and remind myself why I should stay the way I am. That's tomorrow. That's not tonight.
Until then, I'll wrap my spare pillow under the blankets and lay my arm across. I will cuddle up to it's softness and reassure myself that it's not me. I am fne. I am just waiting for someone who can be fine with me. I know I've always got my back.
While I'm on the subeject of girlfriends, I'll revisit another subject.
Here is the thing. I have a friend. My friend has parents who can't see her full potential.
This girl is GORGEOUS. She has dimples that only God could give a person. She is the light of my life. Intelligent. Wonderful, and all of those other incredible things.
We are NOT dating, not even close, but the reason this post came about is because her parents don't acccept her. We hear this story all the time. Parents disown their children (I don't see how.) My father disowned me. I fought for five years to get him to speak to me again. Tonight, when I read my mother a letter that my friend wrote, my mom broke into tears and said "Tell her to call me. Tell her i'm interested. Her day to day. Her accomplishments and failures. I care."
My mother is a saint.
To the parents out there who think that their child is less worthy because they are gay. THEY ARE STILL AS SMART. THEY ARE STILL AS BEAUTIFUL. AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO LOVE THEM ANY LESS. They are that same baby that you ruffled and frilled at age 2, or tuxed up with a bow tie. And by chance, if they are adopted………
Here is what I have to say. They were your choice. You made it, regardless of what they become whether it be gay, straight or the President. (I feel as if the President and Gay will one day be synonymous.)
They are still incredible. Please crawl out of your small minded box and move forward with the forward thinking section of the nation.
She loves you. He loves you. And you should love them.
Be a parent.
Strangely enough, when I googled the role of "A Parent" this is what came up. By the way, it was posted by a man of the military.
To make a commitment for the rest of your life to your child(ren). To protect them for as long as they need it. Be there for them through good and bad"
If you make that commitment… to be a parent... Follow through. Until then, you can call my mother. she would be happy to talk to you. I'm saying it because she asked me to. My mother says you can call her "Mama Tennessee" or "Mama June", or "Mama Bear"… It's your choice. She has asked me to tell you that if you are in this situation, or need a parent to talk to, call her. She will stand in.