Theft, Flicks and Opportunities

“I can’t stand to fly. I’m not that naïve. I’m just out to find the better part of me. I’m more than a bird. I’m more than a plane. I’m more than some pretty face beside a train and it’s not easy to be me.”

Superman - by Five for Fighting. I find that actually prefer the Boyce Avenue cover most of all. It just happened to come on Pandora when I opened up my laptop. I left it there. Screen burning bright, glowing back at me. Music ringing through my ears, echoing through the canals to my mind.

There are a whirlwind of thoughts taking over me tonight. There are a few reasons for this…

I found out today that someone stole my debit card. They spent almost $600 in just a few days. All I have to say is I really hope they needed it. Mind you they spent it all on gasoline, and stayed in the same city so I doubt it was an urgent emergency to get them across eleven states to their family (just a guess), but I’ve never understood stealing. My stepsister did it all the time when we were younger. She would find something she wanted in a store, pick it up, and walk out. I could never fathom it, considering our parents raised us to believe that we didn’t need anything we couldn’t afford. We made do with what we had, or we found a way around it. I spent my entire lunch break on the phone with Bank of America, I’m thankful that I brought a Campbells Soup On the Go to work.

It really put me in a negative mood. I couldn’t stop bouncing back and forth between anger and devastation. Of course the bank is refunding my money, and it will all be dealt with accordingly, but still. I can’t help but wonder who this person is that results in taking from others. So nonchalantly lifting funds from my account to supply their own. I really hope that they find what they’re looking for, but something tells me it won’t be at the bottom of my savings.

Moving forward past my untimely experience with money thieving petrol purchasers, I went to see Zero Dark Thirty tonight. I’m going to tread lightly on this subject, because I know that this film has been a sensitive matter. I won’t say that I loved the film, because the story clearly isn’t one to “love”. I will say, however that Katheryn Bigelow did an amazing job directing, and that Jessica Chastain was brilliant in the roll of Maya. I would absolutely watch the film again. I think that’s it’s important for us (Americans) to face this part of our history, but also see the “behind the scenes” of what was the “Bin Laden Pursuit”.

In the first few minutes of the film, it opens with audio clips of victims from 9/11. One very brief comment is from a young man to his mother. “Hey Mom. I’m sure you heard about the plane hitting tower one. I’m safe in tower two.”  As I heard it, I became sick. It’s disturbing how many people thought exactly as he did. Those people thought that they were safe… They thought it was over.

As the second tower fell, so did our hearts.

The film moves forward with a very grotesque torture scene with a detainee captured from the Saudi Group. This scene was upsetting for me. I kept having to remind myself that 3,000 American just died at the hands of terrorists. Seeing anyone tortured is difficult, and internally I couldn’t decide if it was justifiable. I’m fully aware that Americans have been captured before, and suffered the same treatment. This cruel world often abides by an eye for an eye in many situations. This scene reveals the captivating Jessica Chastain. She makes it very clear in the beginning that being there isn’t her choice.

As the film progresses, you begin to see her characters obsession with the hunt of Bin Laden. She states at least twice in the film that she wants to kill him. It is unimaginable to me that some peoples “jobs” are to take the lives of other human beings. At the same time, I respect and support the defense that our military provides us. This internal struggle stuck with me for the entire film.

I won’t spoil the ending, because I hope that each and every one of you will watch it. Not necessarily as a “feel good” enjoyable film, but as an important portrayal of the lives lost, and affected by this tragedy. I will say that the ending leaves a rather open ended question. I would love to know what all of you think about it.

On a much lighter note… I landed a pretty awesome gig this weekend as a Production Assistant. I can’t say where yet, but Monday’s post should be pretty awesome. Either that or terrifyingly horrific.

For those of you who don’t know what exactly I do, I’m transitioning into P.A work for film or television. A P.A or Production Assistant is basically someone on set who assistants the crew in any and every task that they might need dealt with. I will be doing everything from grabbing coffee, to holding documents, running errands, ordering lunch, keeping people outside of the production away from the set, assisting the talent (cast), etc… This particular job is for a very popular reality TV show…

I’ll let you know more after the fact.

Remember me…

Tennessee

Change

I suppose time has played into my thoughts rather often lately. It seems I don’t have enough of it. There’s always more I want to do. More I want to say. More I need to see. More. More. More.

I almost feel selfish in saying it. How many times do I find myself in a “lucky” situation? More often than not I’d say. Then again is it ever really luck, or more along the lines of fate, or destiny? See, I think that good things happen to those who pursue them. They happen to people who put out good into the world. I believe in the saying “treat others the way that you want to be treated.” I guess the point is… I believe.

The New Year has come and gone. Many people have already forgotten their “New Years Resolutions”. I can’t help but wonder why we need a day to inspire change? Why can we not all just see where our flaws lie, and work on them? We spend the largest portion of our adolescent lives in school, with a structured environment formulated to encourage growth and change. As adults, we seem to forget that formula and let our improvement go AWOL.

Just like school, hobbies, or anything else, we need to progress. As people, it is vital for us to move forward. We have years here that we could spend constantly improving. These are years that some people never get the chance to use. To deny the natural process is to waste your life. It’s a slap in the face of humanity, and of your-self.

The longer I’m here… the closer I come to understanding what it is that I need to do out here. There is a change coming. I can feel it. This change, however is no different from the one five months ago when I relocated. It’s no different than the six months I spent as an admissions counselor in Missouri.  We’re always changing. Life is ALWAYS changing. The best favor you can do yourself is to roll with the punches. Change, Grow. Learn. Love. Hope. Try. Be.

I can’t stress enough how much happier you will be if you take on a positive attitude, and give life everything you’ve got. Not because of what it will give you back, but because there’s no reason not to. Why wouldn’t you want to be the best you can be? Why wouldn’t you want to achieve the greatness that was destined to you? Anything less is simply being lazy.

So here I go. I’m embracing the change. Making the improvements. Living my life.

Remember me,

Tennessee

Time

Lengthy is the sound of forever,

But that’s the time in which I have to fill.

Time to walk. Time to cry.

Time to love. Time to lie.

There’s time to spare, but I’ve got no time.

No time to wait. No time to be.

No time to chase. No time to see.

I’ve got no time to give away.

I’m gone tomorrow, but here today.

Today I’ll live upon her lips.

I’ll close my eyes for every kiss.

Waiting for the time to pass.

for things to change, for that big mess.

Slowly.

Slowing.

Down.

Time… a tragic thing.

See time is what we’ve done to ourselves.

It’s simply a measurement of lost chances.

A way to calculate the mistakes we made, or the things we forgot.

“Remember the time? That time when? Do we have time to?”

Time is what was, or what will be.

When you’re standing in a moment. Good or bad.

You don’t think of time. You don’t see the future, or remember the past.

You simply cling to the moment you are in,

Hoping for a better day.

If the moment is good… You wish for one as wonderful.

If it’s bad, you wish for one better.

But you only wish long after the moment has passed.

For in that moment, you are consumed.

And time… time doesn’t exist.

Time is a burden. It’s constricting and selfish.

Time does not care that you are content.

It doesn’t care that you are broken, or need a break.

Time cares not that a minute isn’t enough.

Time forgets how forever feels.

Time is a waste… but a waste of what?

More time? 

Sick and Tired

Sick days are awful.  You have free time, but no energy to do anything.  You want to sleep all day, and cry the moments you’re awake. Nausea, a headache, and general discomfort all consume you. I’ll be honest… on sick days there is nothing I want more than a bowl of soup, a Disney movie, and my mother.

Instead what I have right now is a cup of hot tea, a warm blanket, and my girlfriend sitting on the edge of the bed with her guitar. She’s picking away at tonight’s set list. She has a different show every week or so. On February 6^th she will be performing at the House of Blues on Sunset Blvd. If you’re in the L.A area you should come out and say hello! Her name is Saxon… Saxon James.  (I said it that way for effect).

It’s nice having her around when I don’t feel well. Ok. That came out wrong. It’s nice having her around all of the time, but particularly when I’m sick. No one likes being alone then.

Anyway. The point is, I feel horrible today but the relationship is going well. Clearly. I promise. I’ll talk about something else eventually.

Let’s begin now:

This week has been hectic. I’m in the part of my internship now where I’ve begun interviewing for a permanent job. Yes, sometime during the next month (hopefully) I will begin my adult journey into the great unknown. This internship has helped mold and guide me. It’s helped me realize more clearly what I want. I want to start out as a production assistant somewhere. Work on my own writing on the side.

Eventually I’ll move up in the industry. One day I’ll be a producer, and can produce my own content. I sat in on a writers panel last night. One of the writers was from Revenge, and another from the upcoming show “20 Somethings”. They were so young. 23 and 26. It makes me feel like I am a little bit behind. I mean I know that I’m not, but still. I can’t help but think “Longer. Faster. Stronger.” Should I apply younger to that as well?

I mean is there really a time in which things HAVE to be done? I understand physical limitations. I know that as a young child you’re not developed enough to achieve anything, and as a senior you’re…. too developed. But I believe that as long as you lie between 18 and 75, you’re good to go. I don’t need to rush into anything. I have the rest of my life to live.

Here I am babbling on about life, and I’m on the verge of death. Ok. That’s nowhere close to being true, but I really hate having a stuffy nose.

I struggle now to find the words. I feel like that’s happened a lot lately. Life catches up to you, and all of a sudden the dynamic changes. Where before all I did was write, now I struggle to find time. When I find the time, I struggle to find the words.

I feel like lately I haven’t inspired anyone. Not even myself. That’s really difficult for me. I don’t know who I am. What I’m doing… I don’t know anything when I’m not thinking, helping, loving. I suppose that’s a good problem to have.

Lately I’ve been floundering. I can feel the stress and anxiety building. I have to find a better way to cope. I push and push. I give 110 % and then wake up one day exhausted and mentally drained. I suppose it’s true you know? You have to help yourself before you can turn to help anyone else.

I’m not sure what would help right now. I don’t think I need a break necessarily. I just spent two and a half weeks in Tennessee. The trouble with that though, is that although I wasn’t at work, there was constantly something going on. No. It’s not a break that I need.

It’s inspiration.

I need to feel inspired. I want to stand at the top of the tallest mountain. I want to hold hands with a small child. I want to stand in the cold ocean up to my waist and wait for the chills to come. I want to play the sound of her voice over and over in my mind, and formulate my thoughts with her beautiful British accent. I want to hold something close to my heart. Nothing that I’ve had before, but something that’s important to someone else. I want to have a conversation with someone older than myself. Someone who has something to say that I haven’t heard before. I want to love…

And I will. All of the above. To the best of my ability.

I also want to reinvigorate my life. I want to meet my friends. (I know that sounds strange.) What I’ve found though is that I’ve formed friendships with so many wonderful people, but most of them don’t live anywhere close to me. I want to tear out a page from the book of Kat Brooks (Face 2 Face), and travel across the country meeting incredible people. Seeing incredible things. I want to take pictures during all of this and tell stories of people that haven’t been heard.

I want to share my passion. My gift. My love. So there you have it… Another rambled post by yours truly.

Remember me,

Tennessee

Brief Contentment

That feeling of complete contentment.

The sun shines through the window. Resting gently on your skin. Her body is glowing in the morning light beside you. Your bodies are entangled still, from the night before. It’s silent, except the rhythmic rise and fall of her breath. You strain to listen, syncing your own breathing to hers. A little closer to her than you were before.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt that, and now that I have again... I almost don’t know how to react. It has consumed me. I struggle to remind myself to breathe. Walk. One step after the other. Working along the way. If I didn’t remind myself, then I’d stay in this room bathing in the sunlight next to her.

She wraps her arms around me, and I forget that anything in my life has ever been difficult. In that moment… I am content. 

-Tenn

Something About Life

December 23^rd. That’s the last time I wrote.

So many things have been taking place. As a lot of you know I took a trip back to Tennessee for the holidays. It was nice, but sad at the same time. I got to spend time with my family, which was amazing… for the most part. I held my mothers hand as we watched my little brothers Christmas Play. I got to watch a Tennessee sunrise, and a Mississippi sunset. I stood in the rain and heard nothing but drops. Saw nothing but the night. No cars. No horns, or sirens. No shouting or flashing neon signs. It was simple. Well, at least nature was. The people there, however; are complicated.

I made the mistake of putting off a haircut until the very end, so there I sat… at Wal-Mart. A young woman sat me down in a chair.  Black hair with a red streak in the front and a tattoo on her arm, she was alternative from where we’re from. She leaned me back and began snipping. She asked where I went to school. Snip. She asked where I grew up. Snip.

She asked what I was doing now. Snip.

She asked if I was married. Snip.

I said no. Snip. Snip.

She announces that she has to introduce me to her cousin. Chris. Or her other cousin Matt, but mainly Chris. Snip.

Now mind you, my hair is in the hands of a woman with very sharp scissors and two male cousins. It’s that assumption that I’m straight. It gets me every time. Seriously. I just don’t get it. What bothers me more though is the fact that I feel like I can’t talk about being a lesbian in a beauty shop of southern women.

The day before I had been in that same store walking through the aisles when a woman a little ways down whispered, “dyke” to her son while staring at me. No reason. I guess she was defining me. Stamping a mental note into her 14 year olds mind. I mean he probably can’t describe Abraham Lincoln, but I’m someone he needs to remember.

She was right.

He should remember me. In fact, we should all be remembered. I appreciate her for taking the initiative to point me out. Maybe one day someone will return her kindness. 

What I love about L.A is, there’s less of that. I had a guy scour when I held hands with a girl once, but that’s nothing like what I saw in Tennessee. He even kept his opinion to himself verbally. All of my friends here could care less that I like women. They even approve. Over lunch, my colleagues and I sit around talking about our weekends, dating life, personal problems. We’ve become sort of a family. Just this past Tuesday I called up a group of them to go to my girlfriends show.

Oh yeah. That’s the other thing I like about L.A.

Her.

Seems a little crazy to say, but I’m seeing someone. And not to rub it in, but she’s that holds you through the night and wakes you with a kiss, drives an hour and a half to bring you a space heater when the target two miles from you sold out, calls you beautiful every day kind of woman.  Even as I type it I smile. I miss her. Even when she’s here I miss her. I always wonder if we could get a little closer? Hug a little tighter? Instead I just travel further into her mind and bathe in the beautiful stories she tells. She’s a British musician…

Yes. I will let you all catch your breath.

She has an incredible love for songwriting, and an incredible love for words. I can’t tell you how many times she has left me breathless using her voice alone. Often, I lose my own words in the process.

On New Years Eve I stepped off my plane to find her waiting next to baggage claim. When I walked up to her, her golden red hair glowing in the sunlight, she just smiled and held out a book.

 “In case you lose your words.” she said, as she placed it in my hands.

It was a word search book. I knew then that she would be trouble.

I found from that point forward, I was either with her or thinking of being with her. We’ve walked hand in hand along the beach, cuddled to Pitch Perfect, delivered gift bags to the homeless for New Years, attended a celebrities holiday party and more. This weekend, we will be going to a Social Distortion concert with her cousin, and I’m stoked. Mainly because that’s the next time I’ve scheduled to see her.

I guess that’s why I haven’t written as much lately. I haven’t really had time to assess things. I’ve just been rolling with it and not thinking about where my heart was headed. I enjoy her company. I like doing things with her. I love our conversations.

I am completely open to seeing where things go with her. She’s doing everything right.

Also, I feel some poetry coming on. Maybe not tonight, but soon.

Remember me,

Tennessee