Thursday, August 29, 2013

To Her

I wish that I could show you just how beautiful you are.
Show you all the strength emitting from your scars.
I wish that I could tell you about all the things I see
When I bask within your eyes, the depths where others flee.
I wish you could comprehend the genius that is you.
Your clever wit, simple soul and vast depth astound me too.
I wish that you could read everything that’s on my mind.
You’d find yourself exhausted of seeing your name a thousand times.
I wish that you believed that you were worth more than you do.
I guarantee there will never be a more deserving one of you.
I’m waiting for the day where you pick up the phone.
Dial a familiar number and tell me I was right all along.
I wish that I could share all your worries, doubts and grief.
Not that you can’t handle it, you’re stronger than you think.
I can tell that you’re hurting by the things that you say.
You’re exhausted, you’re broken, you’re fading away.
But if I put it in writing the words are no longer mine.
You’ll have them if you ever need a quick line.
So while you’re out there searching this world for reprieve,
Know that I wish you everything, and you’re the world to me.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013


I often think about life, and it's funny little ways. 
We follow day by day these paths that we've hand picked from a cookie cutter- magazine of preconceived ideas of what we’re supposed to be. 
Who we're supposed to become. 
I wonder if I fit into this list of notions. My emotions running crazy. 
Am I crazy? I wonder. 
I think that I am fairly normal.
I'm gay, I have four parents, bi-racial family members, I’m not fully related to any of my nine siblings, and what's more is … 
No. I guess that's about it. 
My house burned down when I was ten.
I couldn't believe I lost my Tomigatchi. Or my Pokemon.
I left the light on, but the fire started in the laundry.
And on my dresser behind me where trophies built a shrine.
Laid a picture or twelve of my best friend at the time.
I lost all of my clothes, and worldly possessions.
I suppose God cleaned house, and it taught me a lesson.
There are things that we need, and things that we don’t.
Like I need my reflection, but I don’t need a phone.
My reflection reminds me that I am alive.
No matter how old and gray, I still have more time.  
Today I look back and the thing that I mourn is the photo of my parents I’d never appreciated before.
The only picture of them that I’d ever had.
Not because I'd rather have just one mom and one dad, but because they were young… And a little more like me. 
It makes me believe that I’m not far from the dream.
I mean I am often on bottom, and rarely on top, and the scales just keep swaying because I never stop.
People drop what they’re doing if it benefits them directly.
My father was never going to come back and collect me, 
He let me lie there. 
Wondering why, there I was with one dad and two mom's, 
Along the way I accepted that he wouldn’t be around.
I let it bring me down for years, and if you can take it…  here's the truth.. 
I have used this excuse since I can not remember… 
And if you're missing a parent, then you've probably been there. 
I blamed him for everything. All the darker parts of me, and believe me.. there are a few.  
But I know the truth… and so do you.
See my father came back a year or so ago, and now we are closer than ever before.
He calls me on Sunday’s and we share all the stories that we’ve probably missed between the distance and time.
He tells me about his childhood, and all of his reasons why
He was never really perfect, and he was never really there.
The childhood he had simply could not compare.
He’s been there as much as he knew how to be.
And then I quickly realize that my Dad’s a lot like me.
He gets a little nervous, and sometimes he runs. It’s a defense mechanism and it’s guarded his heart.
I know that it’s hard, but he’s coming around.
He tells me he loves me. He tells me he’s proud.
See my dad’s the kind of guy that it just takes some time.
He has to realize what he wants. It must come from his mind.
No one else can understand exactly how he feels, so he fills himself up with all that seems real.
And maybe he was wrong. Maybe not, all the same.
But he’s back around now, so I can’t complain.
My dad’s a good man, with a few predispositions.
He’s never going to be a fan of a long term commitment.
So that’s why when we speak, I talk in the now. I tell him how life is, not how it’s supposed to turn out.
And in return he tells me what he cooked for supper. He tells me his back hurts, but he’ll probably work more.
My dad is a hustler, I get that from him. But we never speak of the past. It’s not good conversation.
Because we’re both stubborn, and we’re both full of pride. Whatever argument was there has long since subsided.
And I love this man who calls me to say “I’m sending you groceries. And have a good day.”
Because this man does the best that he can. He loves me and shows me in the strangest of ways,
And in that moment I know that I wouldn’t trade my life for the world.
Because no one ever really wanted to be that boring, normal girl.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Piece Of Heaven

I got this little piece of heaven on the shady side of town.
I’m barely making a living, not letting people down.
And it’s incredibly lonely with all these people around.
Remember to repeat their names.
Pretty sure that no one knows me. I’m that girl in number nine.
And my life is never ending, when I’m working for a dime. 
And you’d think by now I’d have it all in line,
But nothing is ever as it seems.
Sometimes I wonder if you’re still mine.
Nothings forever, and that’s not enough time.
The taller the mountain, the harder the climb.
And I don’t want to love you… but I wouldn’t mind.
So I’ll feed my heart, my soul, myself, my dream.
I’ll do all the things that make me free.
Cause I need reason, and you’ll need me.
So catch a dream, and set fear free.
It’s just a little place  on a stretch of black top.
Somewhere round’ the corner from a couple bus stops.
So climb on in and head this way.
It’s not a lot, just a place to stay.
With independence comes a price to pay,
And I suppose my price was you.
The skin to skin only lasts so long.
The touch grows cold after you’re gone.
So my efforts go towards moving on.
And on, and on I go.
Because I gave it all a shot one time.
My heart and soul were on the line.
She loved me ‘til she met that guy.
In his boxers on her bed.
I guess I lost my heart that day.
She threw all our love away.
And now she isn’t even gay.
Well damn, that’s just my luck. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

I Cleaned

I cleaned. As a child, whenever I would became stressed, upset or angry I cleaned. I would scrub my mothers kitchen from top to bottom. It never stayed that way for more than a day or two, but I did it… It was the only thing that could help me find that inner peace again. Often afterwards would come this productive burst of creativity, but I needed that cleanse first.

I didn’t understand that peace as a child. I thought that my emotions varied between happy and sad.  I didn’t realize that we’re actually on a scale of tolerable and intolerable. Our outlook is what controls our emotions. Our level of tolerance is actually just a stimulant. It tests our outlook over and over again, but a good attitude and positive thinking can get you surprisingly far.

I don’t really know when it hit me. This realization that happiness comes from within. I’m sure I had even heard other people say it once or twice, but I didn’t understand. How can I be happy when everything sucks? I was recently sort of homeless, went through a break up, lost my wallet, and got a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt… but I have a job, and amazing friends, and parents who love me. I am a lesbian citizen of America and not Russia. I am able to walk, and to move about freely as I choose. I can write these words, and you can read them… and that makes my heart swell.

So even though things get tough… really tough… Keep in mind that strength and heart are earned, not awarded. We must suffer to experience the most incredible joys that life has to offer. Like holding the hand of a child. Sharing a first kiss. Accomplishing a great feat. Completing a good work out. Hearing the voice of the ones you love. Seeing their beautiful faces. Take none of it for granted.

Last weekend I went kayaking with this incredibly cool group of girls. We drove up to Santa Barbara, headed out onto the ocean, touched starfish and paddled past sea lions. Afterwards our tour guide snuck us through the kitchen of his bar so we could watch a reggae concert for free. He even gave me his complimentary drink of the evening. I cant tell you how good it felt to feel the spray of the water, and the sun on my face; to laugh loudly and without judgment. This weekend I might go camping, or to an after party in Beverly Hills. Maybe a quiet night at home would be nice, or stopping by a friend’s birthday party in the Valley. That’s what I love about this city. The possibilities are endless.

Take control of your happiness. Think of the little things. Observe them. Appreciate them. Embrace them. It helps make the ups and downs seem a lot more worthwhile. Now, I’m off to clean my bedroom. Hopefully a finished script, and a few grand will be the result of it.


Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Outgrowing My Skin

Lately, Friday Nights and Saturday nights have begun to blur together. I spend one or the other out and it bleeds into the next day, my cab rolling in around 5 a.m. I used to enjoy the sunrise, but not when the fuzz of the night is still clouding my brain. In that moment, all I want is a pair of shades and a pillow. I can sleep without the blanket.

Typically I wake up somewhere around ten a.m., begging my body to go back to sleep. Often not without consequences. I did something, or lost something, or found something I shouldn’t have. By shouldn’t I mean according to society’s standards. Me? I consider life a training program. We have to make the mistakes and learn from them, before we’ll ever understand the point of the process.

I work five days a week, just to dive into that weekend long personal growth ceremony. I like it that way. It gives me something to look forward to after a tough week. It also gives me a chance to come out of my shell. There is very little judgment at a Hollywood after party, believe it or not. At least not towards me. I’m often the only lesbian in the room, and I’m cute. That usually makes my chances of making out with someone that night pretty high. I suppose you can consider that one of those trial and error’s, but I’m young and I’m single. I’ve never really done this before. Just been by myself.

In fact as of August 1st, I told myself that I would spend one-year single. Now let’s be honest. I’m no Joan of Arc. I don’t know that I’m really that strong, but I figured the best way to find out was to point myself in that direction and go. I think I need this time to grow. On many levels. I need to be able to separate myself from my surroundings. I need to understand myself and my priorities. I need to pursue my career. I need me time. At first I felt pretty selfish about that, but the truth is… I’m no good for anyone with a broken heart. It’s not from anyone specifically, just a few cracks and bruises I’ve gotten along the way that have never really healed. So, I’m mending them myself. It never occurred to me until recently that’s what I was supposed to do all along.

I realized yesterday as I was staring at a photo of my best friends, that nothing is ever going to be the same as it was. It will always keep changing. We will always have lessons to learn, because things will never be this way again. I will never be in that moment again. Living with them. Pizza Mondays. While I know that those two will always be a steady constant in my life, it has made me put others into perspective.

People will come and go. You will become closer to some than with others. People are always going to want you to believe what they want, but you’re always going to have to answer for yourself, so make sure you understand the question. Lastly, when people go, as they will, be thankful for the time you shared with them, the things that you learned, and the moments you’ll never forget. Don’t hold a bitter grudge longing for something you once had. Explore your heart. See what you’d like now instead.

I’m learning. I’m growing. I struggle. I slip. I cry. I fight. I learn. Happiness is intertwined in all of that. I guess really I’m just doing the best I can. I think we all are.

Remember me.