Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Outgrowing My Skin

Lately, Friday Nights and Saturday nights have begun to blur together. I spend one or the other out and it bleeds into the next day, my cab rolling in around 5 a.m. I used to enjoy the sunrise, but not when the fuzz of the night is still clouding my brain. In that moment, all I want is a pair of shades and a pillow. I can sleep without the blanket.

Typically I wake up somewhere around ten a.m., begging my body to go back to sleep. Often not without consequences. I did something, or lost something, or found something I shouldn’t have. By shouldn’t I mean according to society’s standards. Me? I consider life a training program. We have to make the mistakes and learn from them, before we’ll ever understand the point of the process.

I work five days a week, just to dive into that weekend long personal growth ceremony. I like it that way. It gives me something to look forward to after a tough week. It also gives me a chance to come out of my shell. There is very little judgment at a Hollywood after party, believe it or not. At least not towards me. I’m often the only lesbian in the room, and I’m cute. That usually makes my chances of making out with someone that night pretty high. I suppose you can consider that one of those trial and error’s, but I’m young and I’m single. I’ve never really done this before. Just been by myself.

In fact as of August 1st, I told myself that I would spend one-year single. Now let’s be honest. I’m no Joan of Arc. I don’t know that I’m really that strong, but I figured the best way to find out was to point myself in that direction and go. I think I need this time to grow. On many levels. I need to be able to separate myself from my surroundings. I need to understand myself and my priorities. I need to pursue my career. I need me time. At first I felt pretty selfish about that, but the truth is… I’m no good for anyone with a broken heart. It’s not from anyone specifically, just a few cracks and bruises I’ve gotten along the way that have never really healed. So, I’m mending them myself. It never occurred to me until recently that’s what I was supposed to do all along.

I realized yesterday as I was staring at a photo of my best friends, that nothing is ever going to be the same as it was. It will always keep changing. We will always have lessons to learn, because things will never be this way again. I will never be in that moment again. Living with them. Pizza Mondays. While I know that those two will always be a steady constant in my life, it has made me put others into perspective.

People will come and go. You will become closer to some than with others. People are always going to want you to believe what they want, but you’re always going to have to answer for yourself, so make sure you understand the question. Lastly, when people go, as they will, be thankful for the time you shared with them, the things that you learned, and the moments you’ll never forget. Don’t hold a bitter grudge longing for something you once had. Explore your heart. See what you’d like now instead.

I’m learning. I’m growing. I struggle. I slip. I cry. I fight. I learn. Happiness is intertwined in all of that. I guess really I’m just doing the best I can. I think we all are.

Remember me.


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