Thursday, January 24, 2013

Sick and Tired

Sick days are awful.  You have free time, but no energy to do anything.  You want to sleep all day, and cry the moments you’re awake. Nausea, a headache, and general discomfort all consume you. I’ll be honest… on sick days there is nothing I want more than a bowl of soup, a Disney movie, and my mother.

Instead what I have right now is a cup of hot tea, a warm blanket, and my girlfriend sitting on the edge of the bed with her guitar. She’s picking away at tonight’s set list. She has a different show every week or so. On February 6th she will be performing at the House of Blues on Sunset Blvd. If you’re in the L.A area you should come out and say hello! Her name is Saxon… Saxon James.  (I said it that way for effect).

It’s nice having her around when I don’t feel well. Ok. That came out wrong. It’s nice having her around all of the time, but particularly when I’m sick. No one likes being alone then.

Anyway. The point is, I feel horrible today but the relationship is going well. Clearly. I promise. I’ll talk about something else eventually.

Let’s begin now:

This week has been hectic. I’m in the part of my internship now where I’ve begun interviewing for a permanent job. Yes, sometime during the next month (hopefully) I will begin my adult journey into the great unknown. This internship has helped mold and guide me. It’s helped me realize more clearly what I want. I want to start out as a production assistant somewhere. Work on my own writing on the side.

Eventually I’ll move up in the industry. One day I’ll be a producer, and can produce my own content. I sat in on a writers panel last night. One of the writers was from Revenge, and another from the upcoming show “20 Somethings”. They were so young. 23 and 26. It makes me feel like I am a little bit behind. I mean I know that I’m not, but still. I can’t help but think “Longer. Faster. Stronger.” Should I apply younger to that as well?

I mean is there really a time in which things HAVE to be done? I understand physical limitations. I know that as a young child you’re not developed enough to achieve anything, and as a senior you’re…. too developed. But I believe that as long as you lie between 18 and 75, you’re good to go. I don’t need to rush into anything. I have the rest of my life to live.

Here I am babbling on about life, and I’m on the verge of death. Ok. That’s nowhere close to being true, but I really hate having a stuffy nose.

I struggle now to find the words. I feel like that’s happened a lot lately. Life catches up to you, and all of a sudden the dynamic changes. Where before all I did was write, now I struggle to find time. When I find the time, I struggle to find the words.

I feel like lately I haven’t inspired anyone. Not even myself. That’s really difficult for me. I don’t know who I am. What I’m doing… I don’t know anything when I’m not thinking, helping, loving. I suppose that’s a good problem to have.

Lately I’ve been floundering. I can feel the stress and anxiety building. I have to find a better way to cope. I push and push. I give 110 % and then wake up one day exhausted and mentally drained. I suppose it’s true you know? You have to help yourself before you can turn to help anyone else.

I’m not sure what would help right now. I don’t think I need a break necessarily. I just spent two and a half weeks in Tennessee. The trouble with that though, is that although I wasn’t at work, there was constantly something going on. No. It’s not a break that I need.

It’s inspiration.

I need to feel inspired. I want to stand at the top of the tallest mountain. I want to hold hands with a small child. I want to stand in the cold ocean up to my waist and wait for the chills to come. I want to play the sound of her voice over and over in my mind, and formulate my thoughts with her beautiful British accent. I want to hold something close to my heart. Nothing that I’ve had before, but something that’s important to someone else. I want to have a conversation with someone older than myself. Someone who has something to say that I haven’t heard before. I want to love…

And I will. All of the above. To the best of my ability.

I also want to reinvigorate my life. I want to meet my friends. (I know that sounds strange.) What I’ve found though is that I’ve formed friendships with so many wonderful people, but most of them don’t live anywhere close to me. I want to tear out a page from the book of Kat Brooks (Face 2 Face), and travel across the country meeting incredible people. Seeing incredible things. I want to take pictures during all of this and tell stories of people that haven’t been heard.

I want to share my passion. My gift. My love. So there you have it… Another rambled post by yours truly.

Remember me,


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