Saturday, April 28, 2012

Never let go.... Or if you do, let go of yourself.

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write. I think it comes in spurts. Much like the day I first created my blog, I’ve sat down many times staring at this blank sheet and the words just wouldn’t come. Today, I sat down, and I’m not sure if they’re actually coming to me, or if I’m just so tired of being sick/asleep in bed that I’m forcing myself to do something. I have no voice, my lymph nodes are terribly swollen. I look like a train wreck, but I have Disney Princess shaped chicken noodle soup and I’ve been watching Titanic so it’s difficult to complain. I try to look on the bright side. Unlike Jack, I will survive. I’ve always wondered though. We literally see almost every part of Rose. We know that she’s not a big girl, however that door she’s floating on is pretty large. Why in the world didn’t she move over? I mean for real though? They both could have went to America, lived happily ever after and had sickening cute little Jack Rose babies. Instead however she just sat there on a board by herself and watched Jack (being stabbed by a thousand knives “cold water”) sink to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. It’s crazy to think that something so terrible really did happen. Obviously not that particular story, but the story of the Titanic and the many unsuspecting people on it. No one ever thinks anything like that could ever happen… Which is why we have to live each day to the fullest…

I want to find her. My Rose. Celine Dion will forever be the sound of love for me. The two of them combined make Heaven on film for me…

Okay so maybe I want more than a few hours. Maybe I want more than a Rose. I want a girl who is in love with me. One who looks at me the same every day, and that’s just as in love as she was the first time she said it. Someone who wants to hold my hand as much as I want to hold hers. I want a girl who calls me beautiful and does cute things for me too. I’ve been in the one sided relationships. Is it to hard to ask for something more?

A girl who lays her head on my shoulder, but is also ok with me laying my head on hers. A girl who realizes that we’re both girls. I’m not the man in the relationship. Or the only woman. We’re just in love. A couple. Two people who fit perfectly together regardless of gender.

I want a girl who spends each and every day unfolding life with me. I don’t know what’s in store, and neither does she.. But why not watch it play out together? A girl who has great taste in music. That doesn’t necessarily mean my taste. What if it’s a taste that I haven’t heard of? It could still be great. Which brings me to my next point. I want a girl who can introduce me to new things. A girl who is confident in her own opinion. I’m starting to see the pattern here.....
I want a woman…

I know we all have those days where we think to ourselves, I need to grow up. But what if we really do? What if it really is time. I’ll be the first to admit. I’ve been that girl. The “stays out all night girl” who shows up to class still drunk. The girl who bartended just so she could drink for free. I’ve been the girl who didn’t care who I was dating.. I had someone else lined up. Now was it always the right girl? My record shows…… Never.
So maybe it's time. I'm 23. I'm right on the cusp of college kid, and grown-up. It's weird you know? I remember the days of how I felt in under-grad. Some days it doesn't feel that different... Some days it feels like i'm in a whole new life. So why not start over with someone who wants the same things?

I know she is out there.

I’m not giving up. You couldn’t show me a thousand failed relationships and see my opinion change. I believe. I'll find her.


  1. I was behind on reading your blog, so I came by to catch up on all the insights I've missed... And I really needed this one today. I've been thinking all the same things about my own life lately, and it's so refreshing and calming to know I'm not the only one.

  2. I've been behind on reading your blog as well. Like Kayla said before me its so nice to know I'm not the only person thinking about these things or going through them.