Just So You Know

I spent part of twenty-two living in a Harry Potter sized closet.

My father left us when my mother was in labor.

I guess I consider both tight places to be in.

He came back when I was two.

And then again at twenty-two.

I enjoy having him in my life so much now that it hurts.

I never forgot the years that he was gone,

But greatly appreciate the years he’s been present.

I prefer black socks to white.

It blurs the lines of my ankles.

Which I will always compare to cankles

Thanks to a girl in the fifth grade

Who had a complex given to her by her older brother.

Speaking of, mine:

Trust is something that shouldn’t be given away.

And neither should forgiveness.

Not to those who tear out parts of your inner child

And display them for the world’s most broken to ponder over.

Attending a women’s college the best decision I ever made.

The worst was Palm Springs.

When I was sixteen I passed out in the middle of a beauty pageant.

I woke up long before they realized, but was too embarrassed to admit it.

Because my high school sweetheart was in the crowd.

My mother and I aren’t as close as we used to be.

It’s unlikely that she will ever read this poem.

But I’ll say it anyway - I am disappointed

That she never held herself to the same expectations she set for me.

I am sensitive… But I love that about myself.

I watch Disney movies when I’m sick.

And a very deep part of me still wants to be a Princess.

I think about wearing a simple white dress every other day.

I don’t know how to tell you to disappear.

It hurts when you’re around,

But I love you so much I had rather save your heart than mine.

So I agree to call you on Thursday.

In my fridge I have California Pizza Kitchen, red wine, hummus,

and a soup that I infused with way too much garlic, but I am learning.

And this practice will make something perfect.

Or it will make someone really, really sick. 

My favorite poem is “The Type” by Sarah Kay.

It reminds me of you.

Someday, they will hold out their hand - offer seventy five percent -

And ask “Is that not enough?”

But know that it isn’t.

Because you each have two hands. 

And they should all bring something to the table.  

Missy Higgins just came on

And my heart wavers.

I am convincing when I say that everything is fine

But what I mean is

-       I will never give up