Thursday, December 4, 2014

My Lovely Apology

I wanted to say that
I’m sorry.
For making promises that I knew I couldn’t keep.
When you reached for my hand that evening,
I should have shoved it deeply into my pockets,
Next to all of my other bad decisions.
Because you are far too kind
To fall in love with a
like me.

My friends tell me that my heart is one made of gold,
But I can only believe
That means it is harder than stone.
Because despite the love you gave,
I took –
Without ever considering how empty
You would feel when I left.

I am more broken than you realized,
Swimming here in the back of my own mind.
These cavernous dreams full of darkness.
It’s the only place I feel safe enough
To let go. 

My thoughts echo through my heart
Like a pounding drum.
I loved you.
I hurt you.

And your silent reaction tells me you’re over
Being treated like a hand-me-down sweater.
A second thought.
Something I put on when I’m lonely and cold.
Because you know that you can do better.
 And you know that I can’t.

The clock ticks as I watch minutes
Roll off its face like tears.
I know that you’re standing somewhere by
The ocean watching waves wash away
The insecurities that I gave you.

And somehow, even in my mind

                                I’m drowning.

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