We All Go Through It

“You never know what you have until it’s gone.” The phrase is tossed around, but often we don’t divulge what context in which it is being used.

I’ve been single now for how many days? Oh… it’s turned into weeks? We’re approaching months? There are days I wake up thinking that she’s still beside me. I can feel her breath on my neck. Her hand twisted slightly beneath my t-shirt.

No one on earth can tell you that moments like that don’t feel amazing. They do. Every single moment takes you over and breaks you down. That’s why my closest friend from college is three years deep into an abusive relationship. Because “sometimes” it makes sense. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt. Sometimes they love each other… really.

My girlfriend never hit me. Not even close. In fact she went out of her way to love me. But I’ve always felt like you should never have to go out of your way. Love should just exist.

I was “too gay,” she wasn’t out to her family. I consider myself a political activist, she thought Joe Biden was a football coach. I spent everyday scraping change so I could chase a dream that I’ve fought for since I was 14… She took everything one step at a time. Goals came to her one by one, as she achieved them.

We’re two different people. The very core of our foundation reflects two very different halves, and as much as I wanted it to work…. It just didn’t. Looking back, I don’t regret a single moment. I love her. There are so many things about her that I love.

I loved the way that she loved me. Because she did. To her, I hung the moon. She told me everyday that I was perfect, and I can’t remember a single time I asked her to hold me – that she didn’t with open arms.

And the sex was really amazing. Like, “If I was home alone tomorrow and she showed up, I probably wouldn’t turn her down” amazing.

But sometimes it’s not about the sex.

Sometimes it’s about the conversation. Sometimes it’s about lying in bed at 2 a.m. and uncovering parts of each other’s souls that no one else has ever seen. Sometimes it’s about caressing her confidence. Telling her over and over again how beautiful she is, and how much you enjoy spending time around her.

Sometimes it’s about viewing your relationship like a piece of art and nothing less. Like something painstakingly beautiful that was dwelled upon for hours at a time until it was considered perfect, and even then you went back, caressing it with each tender change you endured.

Sometimes it’s about feeling the freest when you’re consumed. I always felt as if my relationships were a distraction. Yet I love being in them.

I want a career. One I can look back on in 40 years and be proud of. A career that one of my grandchildren can say they pursued because of me. I want to leave a legacy… the traditional way. Passed down generation to generation.

I would like a partner. One that shares the same progressive values, and unchallenged determination as myself. I believe that these things are important in a person. Especially when you’re dating someone like me. Because I am stubborn. Once I realize that something is wrong, I can never pretend again that it wasn’t. That’s one reason I can’t go home.

I want two children. This does not, however, depend on whether or not I have found the partner. I am willing and capable of doing this one solo. I might decide later that two is not enough… That is a very real #FirstWorldProblem you might face.

I want to leave an impression. And I hope – to God – that it is a good one.

Yet here I am on a Friday night, with her. 

 I feel her palms, pink and tender to the touch as they caress my cheek. She doesn’t know yet, what it feels like to be with a woman, and I doubt that she ever will. Because I am growing weary of their lonely games. The straight women who kiss you because they’re drunk, but tell your friends that you “forced yourself upon them.”

You can’t remember which part was forced…. When you attempted to kiss her and she pulled away, or the two nights prior when she kissed you and you let her.

Life, and love, and sex… you thought it would all get easier as time passed. A more false assumption was never assumed. Now you sit patiently, your eyes peeling back layers of social media, dating websites, and whatever lies in between. You aren’t shallow. You swipe right. To captivate you requires only a few small things.

You must be:

           

Someone with a good attitude.

Someone with ambition.

Someone with the desire to learn and to grow. Always. Even after college.

Someone who treats you well.

Someone who lets you be you, and enjoys the person you are.

And finally, someone who has great sex with you.

Yes. Sex is that important. Don't be dumb. 

Find what makes you happy. Find who makes you happy. Whatever it is, just enjoy yourself. Life is too fucking short to eat the Chinese buffet alone.

I don’t post as often as I used to. My obligations have tripled. My ability to go without sleep has all but disappeared, and the moments that I feel engaged are continuously decreasing. I can’t tell if it’s from overexposure, or lack of quality light? What makes you shine? (I have no idea what any of that means.)

Good night!