Sometimes I sit and ponder what to write about. Often three or four topics surface, and often I shut three or four of them down. The truth is there are some things that I shouldn’t talk about. Not yet.
Maybe the timing is wrong. It could hurt someone’s feelings, or cause a commotion. Besides, what would people think of me?
These are only half of the reasons that have kept me quiet in the past. However, what I’ve learned is that I write my best when my heart is bare. When I hold myself to no standards set by society, I actually find myself closer to reaching the expectations I’ve set for myself.
Emotionally, I find it to be very satisfying.
Even though I’m aware of that, I often hold back. I wonder why I do that? Opinions of others don’t change who I am. Only their perception of who I might be changes. What I say is an expression of what I believe, and nothing more. On the other hand, my words express everything I stand for. So, in a sense they reflect everything I am.
Does that mean that if I remain silent and do not state what I believe, that I am actually compromising myself? I think so. I think that by not speaking up I’m actually being dishonest to everyone, myself included.
As a child, one of the motto’s my mother raised me with was “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” Looking back, I wonder if that is reason for part of my silence now. Not everything is beautiful, kind, and good. Sometimes we allow things that we shouldn't because it's easier than rocking the boat. In that instance... Do you speak? Because where I'm from, to speak out is considered rude. Some of the things I say aren’t negative at all… like when I speak of loving a woman.
Those things are beautiful and wonderful, and I shouldn’t feel shamed by them… but our society doesn’t embrace them as openly as I do. Like the time someone said that "I asked to be harassed when I chose to be gay". The same way they chose the easy way out when they decided to be straight.
Everything I write is a reflection of me… If I’m not honest with my words, then my very core would be compromised and there'd be no reason for me to write in the first place. Those words wouldn’t be mine.
I write because it’s an extension of my heart. My soul. I write because I don’t know how not to. But what do I write? The truth? The watered down version? Or do I remain silent?