Friday, June 21, 2013

My Apology

I am sorry for the things that I have done.

I can’t help but say those words over and over in my head. I know that they don’t mean quite as much inside here as they would out in the open, lying at the feet of those who deserve those words the most. I find that I’m a trial and error kind of girl. I make mistakes more often than not and I have found that in the middle of each mistake is a broken heart or a confused mind. Unfortunately the mistakes I make are ones that I can’t take back, and often they hurt someone else along the way. I don’t avoid them. I run head on towards these mistakes, determined to pave my own way.

Yes brick hurts when you run into it, but who is to say that this wall won’t give… just to reveal an open meadow?  I know that it’s not likely, but I also know that it is possible and I believe in fate. Or at least I think I do. To be honest, lately I’m not sure what I believe in. I stare at the United Methodist Church on the corner of Highland and it’s big gay friendly sign. Even gay friendly, I’m not sure I want to go inside.

My friends read of their most updated list of potential celeb worthy baby names, and all I can think is “Why would you name someone Charles?” Not that I have anything against the name, but what kind of person is motivated to name a small child that? Someone older I would think. I can’t see myself with a child anymore. I can’t see a life where my entire focus is on a tiny human being. I also can’t see that focus being on a partner.

I’m selfish.

That word tastes a little sour as it rolls of my tongue, but the truth is I had rather taste the hint of sour selfishness than the constant bitterness of regret, and that is what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid that I will regret settling so young and having a family instead of dedicating my life to changing the lives of others. I can barely offer my own thoughts and dreams the amount of time they need to develop. How am I suppose to give “all of myself” to a woman? Everyone tells me I'm supposed to, but that isn't what I want right now. I don't know why I don't want it.. maybe I get it from my father. This urge to postpone commitment as long as possible.

It took me a while to understand this. Unfortunately I hurt someone along the way, and I don’t know if she will ever read this but the only thing on my mind is this apology.

“I’m sorry for not knowing sooner that my heart was never fully there. I’m sorry for being so skittish; then again I’m not. Flight was a protective characteristic that my mother never developed. The fight in her was always more prevalent and she has beat herself down ever since.

I’m sorry for letting you down. I hate that I left things open-ended in your mind, but I couldn’t see clearly anymore. I had strayed so far from my own plan hoping that the foundation would rebuild itself underneath me, but it never did. You really are incredible. You’re one of the more delightful human beings I have ever met in my life and the only thing I regret about us is that I know now that I will never be as close to you again as I was in that first month. The intoxicating adrenaline we got from one another kept me drunk on more than one occasion, but we both knew I had to sober up eventually. It wasn’t realistic, you and I. We were both laying band aids over the wounds we had and tried not to touch them… but I want to let air into my skin. I want to watch the scars peel away.

I am sorry for not being as certain as I thought I was. I am sorry for hurting you. God knows you didn’t deserve it. I’m also sorry that you never felt like I was sorry. I felt it as strongly as I knew how. If it helps, I finally cried. The following Monday I sat in the floor of a bathroom that wasn’t my own and I cried into my knees tucked tightly to my chest. For a moment I felt like a child again, holding myself together in the corner… hiding away from my fears that spilled over only through my eyelids.

It doesn’t make it easy, and it doesn’t make me right… But I am sorry." 

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