Monday, August 13, 2012


It happens.
I can’t tell you when. Or why.
But one day you’re sitting there like you have everyday before…
And it hits you.
You’re ok.
You’re better than ok.
You’ve moved on.

It’s been a really long time since I could say that I was ready.
I didn’t even know what being ready meant.
Ready for what?
For whom?
When I love, I love hard.
I can’t say it’s always a good thing.
More times than not I put too much of myself into a relationship, too soon.
Usually for someone who isn’t really interested.
I think to myself.. You know what.. I could be good for them.

What the HELL?
What am I doing?
Why in the world is my first thought not.. They could be good for me.
Why do I always try to take on what everyone else needs and desires, and never really try to fill that within myself?
I get it from my mother.
I’m a caretaker.
I take on the burdens of other souls, because I still can’t quite fix my own.
It’s easier to fix the problems of everyone else than address mine.

I’m done.

I’m ready.
I finally know what that means.
I’m ready to love someone who loves me back.
Despite my flaws.
Someone who sees me for what I’m worth, but is worth my time as well.
Someone I could put first, but would never let me.
Someone who doesn’t put me on a pedestal, because damn it if I won’t fall.
I’m scare silly of heights.
Heights remind me how far I’ve had to come, and then I question my footing.
Should I really be where I am?
Probably not.
But I am. And watch me. I’ll keep going.

That’s what I’m saying.
I want someone to share that with.
Someone who isn’t afraid to fly.
Someone who says “Fuck it. Let’s do this. All or nothing.”
And yes. I want her to say it just like that.
F- word and all.
Because that means that she doesn’t give a damn about anything else right then.
Only what she feels.
Why not?
Why can’t I have that?
Why can’t I be with someone who just knows what they want?
And that just so happens to be me.

I haven’t met her yet.
Do I know her? Maybe.
I dream about her every night.
And I already know that she thinks about me too.
Because she knows that I’m what she is waiting on.
Maybe someone who says to me…
“Keep me. Yes. No matter what happens, we keep each other. Got it?”
So simple…
But so sure.
Those are the words of a girl willing to give me her heart.
A girl who is willing to take mine.
Honored to take mine.. But promises not to break it.

I’ll get it. If it’s meant to be…
I’ll get what I’m waiting for.
All of those in my past will look on longingly.
Wishing that they had taken a chance. If not with me, with someone.
That they hadn’t been so scared.
They’ll wish for something similar in the future.
Knowing that they missed the chance of a lifetime.
But I’ll never even see them stare.
I’ll be too wrapped up in her.
My heart beating in her hands.

1 comment:

  1. Most powerful line, I literally went WHOA out loud... in my office.. "I take on the burdens of other souls, because I still can’t quite fix my own." I felt that line, deep inside me somewhere hurt and cheered at the same time. Hurt because I understood that... I've always surpressed and always given wanting to help others while I stumble along in life barely surviving. And cheered becuase I know the power of acknowledging that... the power of going I'm done doing it this way....

    You deserve her, whoever she is, this woman who amplifies your worth to you just by how she looks at you. The woman who praises you in public and discusses with you in private. The woman who is all in all the time not out of obligation but out of a desire to love you more and more each day. You deserve her, this girl who is dreaming of you and you of her. And I celebrate the day you find her...nope when she finds you and says... "there you are, I've been looking for you."