I have an addictive personality. I know this about myself.
It took me four years of college and 10 months of straight sobriety to realize
that I am capable of being sober although I have to actually work at it. If I
have one drink, I want two. If I have two… Well… I want 6 drinks, four shots,
two beers, and to sing and dance on stage (naked, though most of my friends
stop me.) And it doesn’t necessarily have to be in that order. That’s why I had
to consciously limit myself. What I have found is my sanity means more to me
than a good time. It’s fun to go out with your friends and “forget the world.”
It’s not so fun to forget your debit card, ID, name, address or dignity. Nor is
it fun to wake up and piece together the events of the prior evening. If you
are genuinely embarrassed by the stories your friends tell you, yet you can’t
recollect them on your own you have a problem. When it happens more than once
it becomes dangerous. By allowing yourself to do this, you are giving up what
most women struggle to maintain which is your own control.
Now I’m not suggesting you join a convent. Everyone deserves
to cut loose every now and again, but if your entire day revolves around
consuming large amounts of bread or protein to coat your stomach (or whatever
other bullshit myths we’ve taken into daily practice to pretend we’re
protecting our bodies) for that evenings
“alcoholic hydration process” then you need to rethink your schedule. It’s
easier said than done I know, but last May I put the bottle down. From June 1st-
February 10th/ish I didn’t drink. AT ALL. Between that, not eating
like hell all the time, and running once or twice every two weeks I lost 30
pounds. I wasn’t anorexic by any means. We ordered out 2 or 3 times a week and
I never held back on the cheese or sour cream. I went from 147 pounds to 117.
In January I began lifting/running 5 days a week. I felt great. I gained 5
pounds (mostly in muscle) but it was the best I had felt in years. I have never
been obese. Pudgy and thick yes. “Built like a softball player” definitely, but
by applying myself and cutting out the booze I began to develop my best self. I
started drinking socially again when I moved back to Columbia. It became my
stress reliever and quickly I added another 5 pounds to my weight.
Now understand that
while I’m a lesbian, I’m still a woman. My weight, as well as my appearance,
etc. are still very personal/embarrassing to me, however I hope that by sharing
I might be able to help encourage someone (maybe myself) to try. If you’re not comfortable with where your body
is at then take a step back. What can get you there? I don’t mean developing a
drug habit or bulimia, and don’t think that I am taking these serious problems
lightly. That’s not what I’m saying here. I’m saying that there is a healthy
way and an unhealthy way. I’m saying that each of us have a “temple”. (Forgive
me for the religious reference.) I don’t mean Sunday morning temple. Nor do I
mean you are going to hell for drinking/ doing drugs. I mean that we have this
temple that we experience all of the grand pleasures of life from. The giddy
moments, the deep breaths, the first kisses, and the cold tears. We feel
remorse and grief. We feel pleasure and excitement. All of that from inside of
our skin. We have to protect our temple from the destructions that slowly decay
our walls. The effects of drugs and alcohol are very real. Some more serious
than others. 1. (The one most of us can relate to.) The fluctuating weight
gain. Lets be honest, I’m never going to quit drinking entirely. I like to have
a casual drink every now and again, but if you look in the mirror and are
reflected with disgust (While I can tell you all day that you are beautiful AND
Most of you aren’t going to believe me. So instead of being
repulsed by your reflection, actively (and naturally) pursue a reflection that
you enjoy. Go for a walk. Eat grilled chicken, not fried. Drink water instead
of sodas/beer. Eat an apple instead of a chocolate bar. Drink less alcohol
(sugar!). Think of it as a life choice not a diet.
Mind you I had a cheeseburger and fries for dinner. Was it
the best choice? No. But I had an apple for breakfast, and grilled chicken stir
fry, light on the sauce, no rice for lunch. It’s good to live a little, but don’t
expect results without application.
I feel like I just went on an open testimony for Jenny
Craig. Not my intentions. I have minimized my drinking again to nearly nothing which is why I brought up this topic.
That’s how I feel about that.
Next thing on my mind. (I jump around a lot.)
What is love? How do we know when we feel it? In the past I’ve
thought “this is love. I love her. Definitely.” Then we break up. It almost
always ends terribly, and I second guess my assessment. Did I really love her
or did I love the thought of her? (I hear people do that a lot.)
What sign pops up in front of us with flashing lights and a
siren that says “Hey yo trick. Don’t be stupid. This is THE ONE.”
Oh wait…. That doesn’t happen? Damn.
I guess that just means we will have to wing it. We will
have to throw out our fairy tale expectations and realize that the love of our
life (while some of us, aka me wish that The Little Mermaid was our future
bride) Is actually human. A real person with real thoughts, and real mistakes.
I know I for one will never be perfect. I’m complicated as hell. I’m sensitive
and emotional. I have a cotton candy perspective of life that dissolves when it
rains. Everything is great until you pour on my parade. Then I have to take a
step back. Am I saying I fall apart? No. Am I saying I wish things were’nt so
damn complicated all the time? Absolutely. Who wants the stress and the
pressure? No one.
But if there weren’t any low points, then how would we ever
truly appreciate the high ones? If we never experience genuine sadness then how
can we comprehend sheer bliss?
Something tells me that deep down we already have the
answers. Were just selfish and naïve. We often take the hard road in life
because we’re too stubborn to admit that there was an easier way. We didn’t
pave it, so we want to blaze our own trail (which is great) but expect things
to set on fire, and eventually burn down. Mistakes will be made. Feelings will
hurt. Hearts will break.
Uplifting isn’t it? Here come the words of wisdom. Life is a
day to day process. We can sit all day preparing our future, but the truth is
we can only lay out the blue print. Fate is going to build it however it wants,
and it might not follow your plans. So, go big. Take your plans and draw out
the biggest damn high rise that any architect has ever seen. Present a
challenge… Because if you fall short and wind up with ten stories, it’s much
better than hoping for 5 stories and getting a double wide trailer… Ya feel me?
Most of you right now are thinking… She has lost her mind.
What can I say… I have a weird appreciation for analogies. So write your own.
Whatever it takes to make the most of your life… Do it. You get one shot..
Yesterday will never resurface, so today… Today you should live it up.
Until Next Time:
“Second chances are for Hollywood Blockbusters. They are
unrealistic and only last 90 minutes. Take the first and only chance you will
get and run with it. There are no rewind, pause or stop buttons on life. Only
Remember Me. I'm Tennessee.