Some changes take place over time. They’re slow, and almost
unnoticeable except to the most observant of those surrounding you. Others tear
through your life like a rushing rapid, taking with it everything in its path.
This can include, but is not limited to your happiness, sanity, anger, fear,
love, etc...
Three weeks ago I had a job, a great girlfriend, and a
predetermined life plan that made me shudder. Everything was sensible. It was adequate.
My job was scheduled to end at the end of May. One of the
many perks of working freelance in reality tv is that your schedule often
resembles that of a construction worker; an analogy that was pointed out to me
by my father. On average, the gigs are rarely longer than just a few months.
Afterwards, you trek out into the unknown to find your next new gig and hope
that it’s better/as good as the last one you had.
The trouble with this was that I want to be a writer in scripted
television. I appreciated the opportunity to work regardless of the position or
side of the industry. It paid the bills while I networked, stabilized my life.
However, staying in the reality game actually does nothing to direct me closer
to where I want to be in my career.
My girlfriend was great. I couldn’t have asked for a more
caring person. She was beautiful inside and out, and someone that I can still
see as a best friend. I respected her athleticism
and her commitment to her family very much, but after 7 months it had become
clear that we had some clashing interests, beliefs, and things that we would
and would not accept. It became more difficult to “make it work.” It got to a
point where I’m not even sure we enjoyed each other’s company anymore. One
argument after another…
I felt like I had settled into a life that wasn’t mine. That
I was just trying it out the way you would a mattress at an outlet store. You
sit down. Press firmly. Might even lie down for a moment… but there are 130
different mattresses in that store. It’s possible that you haven’t even passed
the mattress that was meant for you. The one that offers the best support for
your back, and makes you wake up feeling like a small child who slept in Mama’s
bed.
When I stepped out of my own way and envisioned my future,
it wasn’t lining up with my present. I knew that it was a turning point for me.
I had to make changes in order to honestly and fully pursue my dreams.
After we talked about the relationship, we realized that the
feeling of discontent was mutual and that we were probably better off as
friends. It was tough. I won’t pretend like it wasn’t. When you spend that much
time with someone, and grow to have those feelings for them… It almost seems
easier to just stay. You’re not happy but care about them, therefore that is
enough, right?
Wrong.
She deserves head over heels. A love of all times. She is
the most real person I’ve met here, and she deserves that from a partner. I
deserve it too. It’s not that we’re not both capable… just maybe not quite
capable together.
Someone will be incredibly lucky to fall in love with her
someday. I say this honestly.
Too many times I have seen it. You love someone, but they
need you to move, or stay, or give up, or change, or come out, or <insert other
sacrifice here> in order for it to work. But no one should ever have to make
sacrifices to their own happiness in order to make a relationship work.
Sacrifice breeds resentment, and resentment turns to hate. It’s toxic.
Because we love that person we try. Sometimes the sacrifice
is relatively small. Maybe you swore you’d never date a smoker, then fall in
love with a chimney. Or maybe it’s bigger than that. Maybe you’re in your
hometown, and no one knows that you fell in love with a woman. You both have to
choose between being out and being happy, or leaving your families.
At what price can your happiness be bought?
My happiness is the one thing in life that I’ve found I can
control. If I’m not happy. I fix it. I find my happy place again… More often
than not I have found it not in a person, but in my craft.
For months now I haven’t written for the blog. I would sit
down and stare at a blank white page, and nothing came. In my defense, I
assistant directed a play for LA’s first year of SciFest, wrapped my position
on Season 3 of Flipping Vegas, and have worked on my screenwriting weekly since
March. I’ve been busy… and not feeling like myself. My voice was gone.
My passion had disappeared. I wasn’t sure why… I think
honestly I wasn’t pushing myself enough creatively. I had given up almost
everything that I loved about writing and tried to find that in a warm embrace.
I was exhausted and weary by the end of our relationship. It wasn’t her fault,
nor her burden. I had lost myself. We had lost each other.
I’m re-stabilizing.
I’m pushing myself further. Harder. Expecting more, and with
less distraction. I’m holding the friends that I have close, but not over-extending
myself. I’m not trying to offer parts of myself that aren’t quite ready to be
given away. I am falling in love with myself and this city all over again.
It’s insane to me to look back and realize I will have been
in LA for two years come September. It’s
hard to believe that I’m here… doing this. Chasing a dream. Discovering life’s
mysteries here in the City of Angels.
No comments:
Post a Comment