Yuletide Yearning

I have this idea about life. It’s a crazy one…

See, when I wake up in the morning, I enjoy it. I enjoy what new comes with each day. The experience of living it. I yearn for constant change and irregularity, yet stability. Doesn’t make much sense does it?

I’ve been really happy lately. I finally got my gym membership. For those of you who constantly feel upset, or hopeless, try going for a jog each day or working out. It’s a natural stress reliever with feel good consequences.

I went today for the first time. I was doing planks on the mat in the corner when I looked up and saw the Hollywood sign through the window. There it was. Staring back at me.

It almost takes your breath sometimes, you know? You’re driving down the street, leaving a coffee shop, or hitting the gym, you look out and see that word. “Hollywood”. Some people have never seen that sign. I still stare at it with disbelief.

I have heard more than once since I’ve been out here that I needed to toughen up. I’m apparently too nice, and people are going to take advantage of me if I don’t come off as a badass. I disagree. Call me naïve, but I think that I can still be nice, and friendly while succeeding. I don’t think I should have to choose one or the other.

Also, I think life ought to be enjoyed. What good does it do you to work every second of every day, if you never take a moment to enjoy it. Working out, dinner with a friend, I cherish these things.  I wake up in the mornings for those moments. I don’t work my tail off just to work that hard again the next day. I work that hard so I can feel confident when I go home, or so I can afford a meal out. I work that hard so I can enjoy life.

One day I will work to support a family. That’s a terrifying thought. I was thinking about it earlier because it’s beginning to feel more like Holiday season. Not necessarily in the weather, but just the way people are talking. My mother reminds me every time I call home that I am going to be home soon.

I have decided to fly back for around two weeks. During that time I hope to get quite a bit of writing done. I also want to spend time with my family. I’ve missed the twins. I’ve missed my mom.

What’s interesting though is I know when I get home there’s going to be a new feeling of regret. I don’t know why, but I have thought about having kids since I was twenty. It didn’t really hit me until this past year when both my step-sister and step-cousin have had a baby. I’ll admit it. Especially around the holidays I often wonder what it would be like to have a family. I know! I’m young. It doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. My mother used to light up the entire house in Christmas lights. We would decorate it with every sideways knick-knack art project that us kids brought home, as well as with my mothers collection of glass ornaments. I can remember the glow of the white lights off that 7 ft tree as I curled up in my mothers chair with her and a cup of cocoa. We sat quietly until I fell asleep. I remember Christmas as a beautiful thing when I was a child. After I began to grow older it lost a lot of it’s sparkle and shine until I eventually began to resent it. Watching it through the eyes of a child however is a beautiful thing, and I cant wait to make it special for my children and wife. If she by chance practices something other than Christmas, then I’m excited to learn about that tradition from her. I think it’s important to participate in life. Do things. Enjoy yourself. Smile.

Tonight is going to be short and sweet. I have to be on set early tomorrow. I’m excited. It’s my first day going on set for something since I’ve been back to Cali. The rest of my work has been in the office or for special events. I’m looking forward to being out there.

Have a great week guys. Do something spontaneous.

Remember me,

Tennessee