I’m scared.
I’m at that point. You know, the one that teenagers think
doesn’t exist, and adults have warned you about since you were a kid. That
point where you get the wind knocked out of you by this little thing called
life. I’ve grown so much since I was in college even.
I can remember sleeping through half of World Cinema,
because I stayed out so late the night before. My breath reeked like a brewery,
and my clothes were the same as the night before (which often luckily consisted
of sweatpants and a hoodie). We would throw huge Lesbian block parties at my
friend Kate’s on any night that ended in y, and most of the time I would end up
so smashed that I’d spend the night there, my body mangled into some obtuse
shape across the sofa.
I loved it. I drank like a sailor, and partied like Snooki.
That is if Snooki called all her friends Bro, and slept with women.
It took me a lot of hangovers and unforgivable mistakes
before I realized “I can’t do it.” I can’t be that unpredictable. All of the
external factors in my life make my head spin with anxiety. Why would I add to
the list?
I’m obnoxious. I black out. I piss people off. I lose
things. I get angry. I drunk text. I get stuck unable to drive and miss
appointments. I do things wrong and then don’t remember how or why I did them.
The list goes on and on.
The entire time I was in undergrad I used the excuse, “It’s
not being an alcoholic when you’re in college. It’s called having fun.” Now
looking back I realize that I missed so much. I could have applied myself
harder. Learned more. Connected better. There are talents that I could have
honed in on that I just let slip away. I had ample opportunity to seize one of
the finest educations in the country, and I dropped the ball.
Did I learn? Yes. I even learned a lot, but had I have been
sober more than drunk I could have learned a lot more. I remember sitting in
The Dean of Student Service’s office. She looked at me solemnly and said “When
someone approaches me in the future and asks about you, what is it that you
want me to say?” Now I certainly wasn’t all bad, but that conversation did
follow this particular time that I hung a 12ft x 12ft tarpaulin on the front of
my dorm with a message to my roommate.
“Jamie,
I have your undies.
Happy Birthday.
Bros before Hoes.
Love Casey”
The Dean wasn’t thrilled, however after my very convincing
argument that “really the tarp was just my freedom of speech in an artistic
form of protest for the celebration of my friend’s birthday” she actually let
me hang it back up. She shook her head as I left. She would never recommend me
for anything, except maybe the debate team.
Looking back now I want to kick myself. I had no idea what
real life was like. That kids do things like that. I wanted people so badly to
treat me like an adult, but I was still acting like a child. Since graduation
I’ve had a few reality checks. Life comes. Whether you’re ready or not it
sweeps in. If you’re not prepared, not holding on to your gatherings, it sweeps
you off of your feet.
It makes me appreciate the hard work of my parents more. It
makes me admire my best friend. She’s been doing this for years. It makes me
look closely at the miracles that have been my life. I could sit for days and
tell you the insane stories, eventually I might, but you wouldn’t believe them.
Looking back, I hardly believe them.
Life is like a book. This very moment you are writing a page
in your own book about the time you sat for however many minutes and stared at
a computer screen. Taking in all of the words and processing them to determine
whether or not you agree with their concept. When you’re done you’ll write
another paragraph about the thing you do next.
Ask yourself. Do you like your story? If not then change it.
This is all we have. When we’re gone there’s a high chance we will be
forgotten. Leave your legacy. Make that change. Stamp you heart on the page of
life.
Be the person you want to be remembered as.
I’m packing up my car on September 2nd. It will
be my last day in Columbia. My last day protected by the umbrella of “Stars”.
(Alma Mater reference.) It will be the last day of the chapter that has been
“College”. Even though I’ve been graduated for a year, working there has only
reiterated to me that it’s time to move on. I’m an Alumna. Stephens prides
itself on having some of the most amazing alums in the world. Now it’s time for
me to attempt to be one of them.
I’ll drive home for a few days to say my goodbyes to the
family that I’ve actually gotten closer to over the last five months. I’ll take
a deep breath and then I’ll drive from Memphis to Los Angeles. I’m making the
trip alone, but fully intend to live it up. I’ve done this trip before but
haven’t really experienced it. I drove right through. This time I plan to make
a few stops. I want to see things. Meet people. This time, I’m going to write
my story. I want it to be filled with beautiful moments that only fate can
produce. From this point forward, every day will be a recollection of a
beautiful thing called life.
And I fully tend to keep you informed. It’s been really
incredible. Since I’ve begun to write this blog I have gotten the most amazing
feedback. Genuine compliments from beautiful people. It’s invigorating really.
I’ve since gotten to speak to a few really great and interesting souls, and it
has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my LIFE. Thank you.
So here it is. I’m a month and a half away from the next
chapter. And right now, this part of the chapter was where I wrote another blog
to whoever will lend an ear. It is so incredibly nice to connect with you.
Small town girl takes that leap out to L.A. Meets a few good
friends, laughs, cries, and hopefully one day paints a beautiful recollection
of the things that she experienced which were far more incredible than she
could ever convey.
Until Sunday.
Remember me,
I’m Tennessee.
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