Respect

It’s 2 a.m.

There are sirens outside my window. Occasionally, I hear the soft call down the street from a voice in the distance. It’s strange. I definitely feel foreign. The difference is this time, I’m not struggling to fit in. I don’t want to be these people. That would be fake.

Instead I have found myself writing my own story. I’m the main character, and all around me life plays out. I am that small town girl, living in L.A, genuinely enjoying her life. The best part is I’m doing it my way. I’m not negotiating my character or morale.

When I arrived into L.A I did a number of things. I met up with friends downtown for a birthday celebration. I went to the beach another day. Yesterday I was at the Los Angeles Country Club. Last night I met up with my friend Kingsley, (some of you probably know him from YouTube, and if you don’t, look him up. He’s hysterical). We joined two of his other friends in West Hollywood, and if you know nothing about L.A, West Hollywood is the “gay area”. Street to street. Wall to wall. GAY.

There are guy bars, and girl bars. Mixed bars. Bars for over thirty. Bars 18 and up (not for drinking). It has a little something for everyone to just go out and have a good time. We went to boy bars (since I was with three ridiculously good looking gay men.

 Have no fear. Regardless of the fact that I was at a boy gay bar, I still got hit on. Twice… Well, two and a half times I think. What I found very quickly is I won’t be dating in Los Angeles. The first girl, while nice was just absolutely not my type. When she had to ask if I was gay, I was a little thrown off. I forgot that not everyone here is. A lot of straight women attend these bars with there boys, and here I was fluttering like a fruit fly. I thanked her, and continued dancing.

I finally agreed to dance with someone, but that was short lived. After thirty seconds, she tried to kiss me, and to be frank “I’m not that girl”. I backed away, grabbed my friend Matt and fled the scene.

The “half” time occurred as we were walking back to pick up my car from valet. I was walking down the sidewalk attempting to instagram a photo when out of nowhere I felt someone grab my crotch. I’m really not sure why she did it, or if that was her attempt to make a pass but the girl whose hand just invaded my space was walking in the other direction, and kept right on going.

I was shocked, livid, appalled, etc…

Why does L.A seem so much more fast paced, even in it’s night life? Why does everything have to be zero to sixty? It’s a bar. I came to dance. Not be mauled by feline predators. What happened to chivalry? Yes. I said it. It applies to you too ladies. In my first week in L.A I need to tell you that my biggest concern is that we’ve lost respect for ourselves and each other. One of the best things about being a woman and dating women is that in a lot of ways we understand each other in an unspoken manner.

Deep down, were all looking for the same thing whether we want to admit it or not. We’re looking for genuine conversation. We’re looking for someone to eat the color of Skittles that aren’t our favorites. Someone who holds our hand for no reason, when she whispers in your ear that you’re beautiful… And means it. We’re looking for someone who “wants” us, but also respects us.

Some girls like the “bad girl” thing… But is that ever going to work long term? Eventually you’ll get tired of being ignored, or treated like shit. You’ll begin to resent the other person, and watch what once was “good” fall to hell simply because you pretended to be something you weren’t or want something you didn’t.

Be honest… With yourself, and those around you. That’s the only way you’ll find contentment.

 Start my new internship tomorrow. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Remember me,

I’m Tennessee

Finding the Words Behind Los Angeles

It’s that time.

Tomorrow I secure everything I own in the back seat of my car, and I hit the highway.

I’ve been planning for two months. Really I’ve waited for this my entire life. Everyone has a dream when they’re a child. Obviously mine wasn’t to be a writer in Los Angeles at age seven, however it was to be great. I wanted to change the world.

I wasn’t even sure what that meant. To be honest I’m still not sure.

My mother told me everyday that I was special. She told me that I was great, and would do big things. I really couldn’t tell you if that was true at the time, but when you’re told something every day of your life it eventually sticks.

When I was in the fourth grade I entered a poetry contest. Everyone in the fourth and fifth grades were required to enter. To be honest, I can’t remember the name of the poem, however I do remember some of the content. The poem was about people who were different. It was about treating everyone the same, because we’re all human.

One line stated, “I can run really fast, and I can jump really high… But my shoes aren’t brand name so you won’t let me try.”

I didn’t come from a wealthy family, so I was often overlooked. I was denied equality based on my social status and family’s income. At age nine, not only did I recognize inequality, but I wanted to change it. Another line was about being a brunette in a group of blondes. Later in the poem I reversed it to be a blonde in the midst of brunettes. And took a sinner in the presence of saints, to a saint among sinners. The truth is, someone is always the minority. It just depends on whose perspective you look from.

I saw that then. I realized that we were all equal, and it wasn’t fair to discriminate. Maybe that’s why I’m so passionate now. It has always been my fight.

I came in second place, and won a $25 gift card. A fifth grader who wrote a poem about fishing won. Actually it was about telling a lie about how big the fish was. Don’t ask me how I remember all this. I guess there are just a few significant moments in my life that I will always remember.

I knew then I wanted to be a writer. Of course at that time I also wanted to be a scientist, a professional basketball player, and a member of TLC. I am terrible at math and science, I am 5’5 and un-coordinated and can’t sing or dance for hell, but I still want to write. I make an effort to write something almost everyday.

It’s not even just that I want to write. I want to write something significant. I want to write for the greater good of humanity. I want my words to help change the world. I know that I’ve got something important to say.

It took me until two months ago to decide that’s what I wanted to do for a living. It’s funny, because I’ve had people tell me most of my life that I am a good (sometimes even great) writer. That I have an interesting perspective, or original tone. People tell me that my words and thoughts feel like their own. I’m relatable. Despite all of that encouragement, I never felt good enough. I was afraid. I thought that I “couldn’t do it.” It took me sitting down with the President of Stephens College, and a half-assed Power Point of all of my likes and dislikes, before I ever really considered it.

I had four different types of writing I enjoyed on the Power Point, but for some reason I still couldn’t see it as the obvious answer. I still considered it to be a hobby. She made it very clear.

“Something on this page keeps popping up.”

“Writing.”

“Yes. Do you love it?”

“Yes.”

“Is it your passion?”

“Yes.”

“Then go for it.”

A lot more went into that conversation. A lot of thought. A lot of tears. A lot of worry, and anxiety. A lot of prayer… But I made up my mind.

Tomorrow, hobby or not… I’ll go for it. If it’s a hobby, I’ll find out the hard way.

But I’ll have a beautiful story to share with my grandkids (in place of Christmas presents, because clearly I’ll be broke). The story about the time that grandma moved to Los Angeles with nothing but a few boxes, an air mattress and a dream. I’m taking a chance. I’m giving life and happiness a fair shot. If you need me, you’ll find me on the beach with a peanut butter sandwich and a lap-top.

I couldn’t have done it alone. I’ve had a number of people supporting this dream along the way. I’ve even had a few try to tear it down. I thank them as well. It only fuels my flame.

Here’s what I propose.

If you’re looking for some entertainment. In the mood for a story. Or if you’re just bored…

Go on this journey with me. I’ll be tweeting from @TennesseeMartin and Instagraming under TennesseeMartin. I’ll also be blogging each Sunday still on The Graduates Guide.

Meet my friends (you might know a few of them). Experience Los Angeles. Watch the rise and fall of my everyday life in the film industry, and probably a sunset or two. This is my open invitation to you to come and check it out. Also, don’t be shy. Ask questions. Make requests. Every time you engage with me, it’s one more thought or idea I might not have come up with on my own. Let’s live a little.

Tonight I’ll be spending the afternoon with my step mom and co. in Savannah, Tennessee. Tomorrow I will wake up at 5 a.m and hit the road. I’ll be honest. I’m nervous. In the last few days a lot in my life has changed, and with that I thought I’d change my mentality. I also changed my route (or at least the people who are on it.)

I’ll be going through Dallas, TX first. I’ve been there once, years ago. I have a good friend there, who dances, so I’m grabbing lunch, watching a rehearsal and spending a few hours catching up. It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen her.

I’m not sure yet if I’m staying in Dallas or a few hours away, but from there I am heading to Vegas.

In Vegas I will meet one of my Twitter followers. We have been friends since last January, and I’m looking forward to meeting a fresh face. Unfortunately I will have driven approximately 18 hours by that point so we won’t be going out on the town, however we are getting breakfast the following morning before the rest of my trip.

Those last few hours will be tough. I can already feel the nerves. I’m excited. I’ll be meeting my new roommate for the first time. Unpacking what few items that I have stowed away in my car. I have an air mattress, a guitar I can’t play and a heart that I’m trying to piece back together.

I’m most excited to see my friends. The ones who have supported me from afar. On the 12^th, my plans are still up in the air. The 13^th my friend is having her birthday celebration. The 14^th I’m gathering a few good people together to head down to the beach (I’ve really missed it. The 15^th I will be at the Los Angeles Country Club on Wilshire for an event with some very incredible Stephens Alumnae. The 16^th I will begin my internship… I’m nervous, but I know I can do it.

Following that, I have no clue how life will go from here. What I do know is that it’s not up to me. I won’t even attempt to make a plan, because I know that will interfere with the one God has in store for me. I plan to just approach life with an open mind every day, and appreciate the little moments that he allows me to experience. The good and the bad. I’ll learn from them all.

I’ve gotten this far. I can do anything. All I have to do is pray about it. He will give me the power if it is in his will.

Also, if you have followed me on Twitter lately, you know that I am working on a new project with another writer. Her name is Rae. You probably know her as My Silent Half. Together we are creating a project called WomanKind. It’s a social experiment compiled by 8 female writers. We will be releasing more details regarding this project over the next few weeks, so keep it in the back of your mind. You’ll be hearing about it later.

Finally… The time has come. 5 a.m will come very quickly. Remember. Twitter. Instagram. I’ll be posting!

This is my story. This is my life. This… Is The Graduates Guide.

Remember me,

I’m Tennessee.

Beethovens Symphony to You

I decided to write a poem…

Not just any poem.. A poem about you…

And not just any poem about you. This poem.

This poem.. Of all poems.

Would be written in front of Beethoven’s Symphony Number 3.

                                    (So here it goes.)

Blue.

The sky it smiles upon us.

The sun cuts through the windows.

A happy chase.

They found me.

They met me with your arms for the first time.

You lingered back to find my bags, the nerves tampering with your heart.

Your heart pounding. We made jokes, and laughed softly the entire way home.

My hand rested upon yours.

Binding me to you.

My feelings gliding out, tying ribbons around your fingertips.

I felt them too. The nerves. Trouble breathing. I blamed it on the change of altitude.

Really I think you took me higher. Higher than I’d been before.

You took me.

My heart.

I knew.

When we stepped out of the car, we wheeled my things to your room.

I sat them down, and within minutes those tender pink lips were upon mine.

Your hands on my lower back. Holding me up.

Necessarily

                                                (As my legs nearly gave way.)

You bit down, and my body melted. Every muscle tensed, like an uncontrollable chain reaction.

The music drifts down now…..

I can feel the tension disappear. The nerves subside.

I’ve known you twice a million years, and care not what you hide.

For now is a change of manner. And now is a change of pace.

To avoid an unnecessary banter, trust that you’ve met this place.

The place where our hearts began to unfold, and life happened all around.

So as we sat, arms opened wide, each others chests are what we found.

Chest to chest, nose to nose we came closer than before.

Skin to skin, and dream to dream, closer we could get no more.

I laid bare breast against you. You held me in your arms.

My breath it drifted across your neck, you wooed me with your charm.

Sweet nothings running through my ears. Hints of “Babe” and “Baby Girl.”

We lay there free unto the world, and let our love unfurl.

And when sweet kisses brought me down, from a place higher than star dust.

I felt the tingle of our release crossing through every bough from your touch.

And afterwards you held me. Gentle kisses on my face.

I knew within that moment there’d never been a safer place.

You were the girl I was meant to find. The one to call my own.

I had waited all this time, and knew finally I wasn’t alone.

I’d waited all my life to love with tears and laughter.

I’d waited even longer for a happy ever after.

So if there’s a chance you might be mine, why wouldn’t I check to see.

Why wouldn’t I encourage you to want to be with me.

I may not be the best one yet, but I work harder everyday.

And I promise I’ll always consider every word you have to say.

I’ll never leave you lonely, if you promise me the same.

And ill do my best, to pass the test, if there ever is a game.

For you’re the one I’ve waited on. The girl who is all mine.

You’re the voice I’ll listen to forever, ‘til the end of time.

So I’ll gladly take you by the hand, and walk you proudly by my side.

An honor to be with such a wonderful she, this girl, this love, this life. 

The Sky's the Limit

I find myself with every breath that I take. Every action that emits
from my body and mind shapes me. Even now as I aspire to live one day
at a time my mother reminds me…

 “Stop stressing so much. You’re to young to stress.”

 She doesn’t mean don’t take on so much responsibility, or don’t try
your best in every situation. She just means that whatever I do, as
well as I do it, understand that the outcome is ultimately out of my
control.

We try so hard to manipulate our everyday lives. I have to ask myself
why? What are we really trying to get out of it. When you sit down and
review your life, and compare it to your future… do you really know
what you want in life?

 I’m not talking about saying “I want to be a doctor, and marry Susie.”

 hat’s a great overview, but what are you going to do to get to that
point? What are you going to do tomorrow? Can you really plan out
everyday over the next five years? No. Our brains don’t work on that
capacity. That’s why we place a vision of what we “Think we want” in
our minds, and guide ourselves one day at a time towards that. Maybe
in five years, if Susie, and med school are in the cards, you’ll get
there.

 But what if after three years, Susie decides that she “Needs to focus
on herself for a while” and you take an art course as an elective that
makes you realize you like the shape of the human body, but not really
working with it. What if you want to be a sculptor?

 We have no idea what is going to happy in five years… or five months.
We can’t even really predict today. Why would we spend so much time
preparing for tomorrow, when we still haven’t used all of today to our
advantage.

 Some things we can never get back. Time is one of them. I saw a
simple quote last night that makes it very easy to understand.

 “Time is like a coin. You can only spend it once.”

 What will you spend your time on?

 When you wake up in the morning, will you have any regrets about what
you could have done today? Don’t wait for special occasions, like the
“Last First Day of Class” to celebrate. Make sure you appreciate the
second and the third as well. You will only be in classes for so long.
Will you remember everything you learned? Absolutely not. However, you
should make a valid effort in that direction.

 We live in an incredibly large world. Look at it like this:

 Whatever room you are in right now, look around.

 Are you inside? If so are there walls keeping you in? Is the room
large or small? Regardless, this is just one room. There is a roof
over your head. How many objects are in the room? Is it empty, or
cluttered? Are there a thousand tiny things sitting around you ranging
from books to utensils, shoes to lamps etc.

 So now think about the effort that went into that room.

 Someone built it. Likely a number of someones. Someone designed it,
constructed it, painted it, decorated it. A number of people also made
the objects around you. And the device you’re reading this from. Those
people had bosses above them, and went home to their families that
night. Already you’ve expanded to a couple of hundred people. Think
about the number of people they interact with.

 This world is so much bigger than you and I, which means you have no
limits. If you’re not happy with your life, then change it. Walk up to
any of those people, and begin a journey to discover not only
yourself, but your possibilities.

 I’ve been lucky enough (maybe naïve enough) to believe I can’t fail.
That’s why in approximately two weeks I will be in Los Angeles. I
could easily count down those days. I could sit here and wish the time
away in between, but I refuse to do that. There is still so much to
do, and feel, and experience before I go.

 Like right now. I’m winding down from a wonderful few days getting to
know myself and others. Letting myself feel. Being a little crazy, and
acting on impulse. It has been nice. I haven’t been the least bit
stressed.

 A couple of months ago, when I started toying with the idea of
heading back to Los Angeles, I was nearly in a panic. What would I do?
Where would I live? How would I support myself? Was this the right
decision?

 It felt right, but I decided to just see where it went. I found a
roommate first. On the 12th I’ll be moving into my Hollywood
apartment, where I can see the Hollywood sign from my balcony. She’s a
nice girl it seems. We Skyped and discussed our personality traits and
pet peeves to see if we were compatible. I’m pretty easy to get along
with, so I didn’t expect there to be a problem.

 After that I began finding my way into little projects. I am working
with Let Love Live clothing company (see the Let Love Live blog post)
to help raise money for other non-profits. I also reconnected with a
friend of mine out in L.A who is starting her own non- profit. Another
friend told me yesterday that she might just have me a job. Things
fall into place. You have to be open minded, and actively pursue
opportunity, but if you do that and have faith then that opportunity
will come. Life will come.

 When I flew out of O’Hare last week, I was on a smaller flight out to
Fargo, North Dakota. The plane was tiny. A man in the row behind me
spoke up to his mother who was sitting next to me, and said that they
would talk once they hit the ground. Me being who I am (combined with
the fact he had a window seat) offered to switch seats with him. He
said thank you, smiled politely, and we switched. When we landed I saw
him while he was grabbing his luggage. He smiled, silently thanking me
again. Such a simple interaction, but still significant.

 As I stood today to go use the restroom before my return flight on a
Tuesday afternoon at 5:10 p.m, I passed this same man. Surprised, we
both stopped and laughed. He hugged me. Mind you, I’ve not even gotten
his name at this point, but we both recalled that moment from the week
before. That minute gesture got me an interaction, and sincere
appreciation from another human being.

We talked briefly. He asked how my trip was. I said that it went
really well, pleasure, not business. He said that he was in town for a
funeral. His mother’s brother had passed away. I couldn’t help but
quietly thank god for instructing me to switch seats with him that day
so he could be closer to her. God really does work in mysterious ways.
This man, from Austin, Texas, who just happened to be traveling in the
same direction as myself came into my life for a reason. Maybe it was
to help his mother in her time of mourning. Maybe it was to help me
appreciate life a little more. Regardless, I am glad that it happened.

 He asked if I had a layover in Chicago, and ironically I do. He asked
if I would like to grab a drink and chat. Now as most of you know, I
don’t drink, however my best friend has taught me that there are times
to show appreciation, or camaraderie. Times that having a drink is a
sign of respect or a polite way to say thank you. In half an hour or
so I will sit at a small bar in an airport, sipping on a scotch and
water next to a man I barely know. I will get a glimpse into the life
of another kind heart. I will enjoy the little things.

 Again. I encourage you. Take a chance. Reach out. Get to know
someone. Even if that moment is brief. You’ll appreciate the
experience. You’ll learn from it. Every moment in life is significant.
If you begin to appreciate those moments, then you will find
fulfillment is right there at your fingertips. It could be one seat
away.

 Don’t measure your life in the giant successes. The truth is, those
are few and far between. A successful life is a collection of little
moments that build up the greater picture. If you make it to work
without spilling your coffee, celebrate. That’s one more sip of coffee
you get to enjoy, and one less pair of khakis ruined. I know it sounds
silly, but it’s so much harder to get disappointed, when you
appreciate everything.

Even if you do get a spot of coffee on your pants, be thankful that
they weren’t your favorites. If they are your favorites, then trust
that God wants you to go get a new pair. Maybe he wants you to meet
someone at the store while shopping. Or maybe those new pants will be
the thing that makes you feel good about yourself, and gives you the
confidence to put your best foot (and leg) forward at your next job
interview.

 I can’t stress it enough. LIVE. ENJOY. ENCOURAGE. APPRECIATE.

 Incorporate these simple actions into your everyday life, sit back
and watch the incredible changes that God has in store for you. When
you begin to experience these changes, don’t forget to reach back and
thank him. Also don’t forget to pay forward the blessings you have
been given. This is what life is about. Living. It’s about the
experience. It’s about loving one another, and being a part of a much
bigger picture.

Remember me,

I'm Tennnessee